Here There Be Dragons

Nobody's going to see this HNT because it's been so long since I've posted HNT

2011-06-09T07:39:00.000-07:00

Tie ropes into her hair and try to ride a dragon ....

This is the post where ....

2010-08-30T10:09:00.000-07:00

This is the post where I lament that I should write more.... I used to write on slow days at work. Now I have no slow days. Well I sort-a do but 'slow' now means that I have a couple of hours without meetings and I manage to read most of my new email by the end of the day.

And I'm now working for a much larger company. They are likely to log what I do online. I'm not sure what they would think of this blog. It's all healthy, good stuff (well in my opinion). But I have a lot of responsibility and there is bound to be someone who is uncomfortable.

And there is the fact that our sex life is currently more 'traditional' than it once was. This was a joint decision in order to focus on improving the sex we have as a couple. This is also good and healthy. But it gives me less to write about here.

So life is good. Work is going very well. Sex is good. There are some things I need to learn to understand better about her body to make it still better. Working on that.

What I need to do is find some time to write a good fantasy. I have some long plane flights coming up so maybe ....

We Live, We Learn

2009-11-12T15:56:00.000-08:00

Some things I've learned recently. About long term relationships.

First, don't assume you know her. Of course you do know her. That's part of what a long term relationship is about. You know from her eyes whether she is sleepy, grumpy, sexy, angry, pouty, grumpy-sexy, sleepy-pouty, sexy-angry, or any of a hundred other states. And you'll often know this before she knows it herself.

But don't assume you know her. If you do then she can't talk to you. Why should she talk to you if you know it all? How can she talk to you if you presume you know the answers before she poses the questions? You don't know it all. Not really. Not even half. And if you assume you don't then you'll be forced to listen to her. She likes that. And you might learn something. No, scratch that, you will learn something.

With a new lover you follow every breath to discovery what she likes. With an old lover it's natural to assume you know what she likes. Assume you don't. Or at least pretend you don't. Or at least listen to her body as if you don't.

I can write that last part but I'm still learning it. Some things are easier to write down than to live out in the bedroom.

Second, it's better for her to think you're an idiot who listens than for her to think you're a genius (who doesn't listen). So if you have the choice between explaining why you did something, and listening to what she feels about the thing you did, then don't explain. Just listen.

This one is really hard for me. I never do anything for less than about three different reasons. And they all need to be explained. And appreciated. Besides that, I already understand her feelings because I know her well. (See point one above.)

But stop explaining and listen. She'll actually still love you even if she never understands why you do everything you do. And if you push hard on why-you-do-what-you-do then this causes her to feel like she should not have felt whatever-it-was-that-she-felt when you did it. And this means that you're not validating her feelings.

So, don't explain. Just listen. She's fine with an idiot who listens.

(Ok, if you really have to explain why you did what you did then explain it the next day. Or maybe wait a week just to be on the safe side.)

I'm sure this was covered somewhere in "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus"... But I'm still learning. And learning.

All of which leaves me with the problem that I have no idea how to justify the relevance of putting a sexy picture at the end of this post. So let's go with this one, because, well, does this picture really need any justification (beyond the fact that's just damn hot)?

Updated My Blog Roll

2009-05-20T18:11:00.000-07:00

Someone had better go check the air conditioning in hell because I finally updated my blog roll.

Where do people go? The great thing about blogs is that you can bring them into existence with little more than a creative thought. The dark side of that is that they fade away as easily. Friends and creative voices gone or morphed into a different blog with a new name.

Not a lot of good news this week. Job complications for my wife. I can't get clarity in my head on where I want my career to go. Too many deals falling apart because of "the economy".

Can someone wake me when this damn recession is over?

Well anyway. My blog roll is too short now. Time to go find some new places to hang out ....

Awhile back I was looking for pictures of cute girls in the rain (I think this was for some blog post but I can't remember what anymore). Still this picture seems to somehow fit today. This is the proper way to deal with (emotionally) rainy weather:

Picture from here.

Are We Moth Or Are We Flame?

2009-05-15T14:36:00.000-07:00

"Thus hath the candle singd the moath."
Shakespeare in The Merchant of Venice, 1600

The moth seeks the light and life of the fire.
It finds death.
It is itself alive.
And is itself much richer, freer,
and more complex than the fire.

It is strange then that
the fire is not drawn to the moth.

The fire is the extrema of being alive.
The heat, life, energy of the most erotic dance.
But it is not alive.
It is a simple thing really.
It cannot fly, cannot see, cannot dream, cannot want.
It is fire complete in its burning.

It takes the moth and knows not even what it has destroyed.

The moth goes to the fire not knowing what it actually seeks.

We are right there in that dance.
Drawn to power,
erotic poetry,
life itself.

In that moment when we cum and become one with the gods.
When we go deep without fear into our fantasies.
Do we become the highest expression of life itself?
Do we become the fire?
Truly alive as we are meant to be.
Burning as unknowing life itself.

Or are we the moth?
Drawn to a fire that will consume us,
and burn up all that we are and all that we love.
Drawn, for reasons we do not understand,
to our own destruction.

Or maybe we are both at once.
Dropping down into one state,
like Schrodinger's cat,
only when someone looks inside our box.

First picture from here. Second picture no clue.

The Sin of Lust

2009-05-04T18:00:00.000-07:00

Despite considering myself a religious person I do have some issues with established religion. One place that comes out very strongly is around the "sin" of Lust.

Lil bit put up a pointer to the seven deadly sins quiz. The questions are interesting. Here are my scores:

Greed:	Medium
Gluttony:	Medium
Wrath:	Low
Sloth:	Low
Envy:	Low
Lust:	Very High
Pride:	Very Low

Perhaps not a huge surprise (I think I got hit on gluttony because I said I go out to eat most days but I have a good excuse on that one :) ). (And I said I don't see anything wrong with sleeping until noon on weekends -- if that's sin then all computer programmers are going to hell for sure .....) (Oh, and the BMW I drive probably got me on greed. Sheesh.)

But there is the matter of that lust score.....

"Why exactly is Lust a sin?"

Now I will admit there are a lot of sins committed "because" of lust. Every day people get "carried away" in "lust" and deeply hurt people they love and who trust them. But I'd argue strongly that the "sin" is not the lust but the fact that they failed to keep a promise and thereby hurt someone.

To drive that difference home, what about someone who is single and has made no commitment to anyone? Where is the harm is they have multiple sexual partners (if they are honest with all of them)? What about the swinger who plays with five other couples but is scrupulously honest with everyone? Who is hurt?

Or to look at it another way, why is giving a backrub OK but sex a sin? Both are pleasurable and (with proper protection) neither does any damage to the people involved.

To me a sin always involves harm to another living thing. Someone wise once said that all moral law is summed up into "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." To me that seems to allow a hell of a lot of lust (excuse me I mean a "heck" of a lot of lust...).

So I remain unrepentant in my lust. And given the content of today's internet I don't think I'm the only one ......

Shades of Gray

2009-05-01T14:51:00.000-07:00

There is a lot of rain outside my window. I think it's affecting my mood. That's a California thing -- after Easter it's not allowed to rain so when it does we fell like we're being pushed back into February.

And two of my reports at work are fighting with each other. By email. I keep making peace between them but I don't know how long that will last. No matter what I do I think one of them will leave. It's too bad because both are very talented...

And there are job questions. A recruiter I know is trying to convince me to consider a new position. I talked to the folks there and it looks interesting (though I don't know if they want me enough to make an offer). But it would be yet another delay in creating my own startup. But in this economy money for a startup is hard to come by. I'm unsure and my heart does not speak clearly.

But this is an adult blog so I should talk about sex. Even there I'm seeing shades of gray. I'm realizing that despite being together for most of our adult lives, I often can't read my wife's body language in bed. Sometimes I get it. But other times I think she likes something that she does not like, or I think she is not into something when she is relaxing and enjoying herself. Or all I see is shades of gray and I can't tell what she likes.

For grins I tried a Google search on "female body language in bed". Let's just say that if we had to rely on Google for erotic help then there would be a lot more virgins out there.... Many of the links purport to help women understand their man's body language (it seems that men who sleep on their stomach are stronger and more confident). I found one link on how to read a woman's body language to determine whether you'll be able to get her into bed (that is whether she is a slut...). Here is the only relevant link I found: askmen. But it's incredibly sophomoric -- telling you, for example, that if she hides her body then she may be insecure in her body image. Duh.

It is odd that I can't read her in bed. At any other part of the day I can tell whether she is stressed, how her day was, whether she liked something I just said, ... even how long it will be before she falls asleep (her eyelids close slowly for 30 minutes before sleep hits and she yawns twice ten minutes before the event, then five minutes before she says she is sleepy... :) ). I should be able to nail whether she is feeling dominant or submissive, kinky or romantic, wants to go slow or fast, whether I'm being too rough or too gentle, etc. But my recent track record is not good.

I wonder if we're too close. Or if I'm overconfident that I'll read her correctly and so don't look closely. Or whether it's simply that I read her by watching her face and in many positions in bed I can't see her face. Or whether there is something in my psyche that blocks me from seeing the things I should see.

I don't know. But today I'm watching the rain. And learning little from it. Still I hope for clarity. And crave chocolate just to add some color to this day.

Sharing the Road

2009-03-11T20:41:00.000-07:00

Rhum-tum, Rhum-tum, Rhum-tum. The sound of the pavement is hypnotic. Your head is on my shoulder and we're both nearly asleep. We're about an hour into a ten hour ride and already the van seems to be our entire world. A world that starts with the green lights of the instrument panels and fades to the nebulous red glow of the tail lights.

Your shirt is low cut and open. As street lights go by I can see most of your right breast -- the nipple just covered by the fabric. I wonder what the other guys think. Are they used to you or do they get hard like I do whenever they look your way... I suspect the later.

Four of us, three men and you, cooped up together for 10 hours. I wonder how they will cope. I wonder how I will cope. I wonder if I can get you to the back bench and fuck you while they listen helplessly. Better yet I wonder if you're up for some more serious play....

Our eyes meet and you seem to read my thoughts. You slip your hand inside your shirt and begin to play with the nipple I just can't see. And you start to whisper in my ear. Playing my mind like you love to do. Ten hours is a long time you say. A lot can happen if you're creative. A whole lot. What would you like to see happen? You leave your nipple just exposed -- teasing the men in the front to do a double-take.

We're sitting in the first row bench seat. The other two guys are in the driver and front passenger seats. You put your long legs up on the platform between them. I notice, hell we all notice, the amazing shape of your legs and how short your skirt is. The black lace of your thong is just barely visible below the rough hem line. Black lace that I know is so thin that the lips of your pussy would show clearly beneath it.

You continue to whisper in my ear as your hand worms it's way into my pants pocket. We could make the trip go a lot faster you say. We could make it so that you'll never want it to end. How's that I ask? (Already knowing the answer -- my cock now straining beneath your hand.) You ask me again what I'd like to see happen. You ask me if I want you to play. Tell me you want to see me wild you say. Yes I whisper. How much fun do you think I could have with three guys in 10 hours you ask. How'd you like to watch me fuck them you ask? My cock jumps and gives me away. Both of them you purr. Then you. Maybe all of you twice. It's ten hours after all.

I don't even have to answer. My eyes beg you. My cock is so hard now it hurts. You kiss me. Hard. Hot. Deep.

You spread you legs slightly. And you slowly run your fingers up your thighs and over the, now visible, lace of your thong. The driver follows your hand up, wide eyed watching you tease. Stop that you say. You keep your eyes on the road.

Then you turn to the passenger. You can watch you say. And he does. His eyes painting your body with lust. He watches for as long as he can stand. And you egg him on -- seducing him with your eyes. He puts his hand on your leg and moves it slowly up your thigh. The game is on. You moan and move like a cat into his hand. He goes higher and you spread your legs further. Your hands move to your breasts. Leaving him free to play below. You ease the fabric completely off your right breast. I love the sight of it clearly visible in the dim light. Suddenly I long to have you naked and exposed for all three of us to see.

You punch the driver in the arm. Watch the damn road you say. You'll get your chance to play latter.

Your finger toys with your now-erect nipple. His hand is on the black lace of your thong -- teasing the lips of your pussy. You whisper to me. Last chance to stop you tell me. I pull your shirt open on the left side so that both of your beautiful breasts are visible. Choice made. Consequences taken.

You take the passenger by the hand and guide him to the bench behind me. You melt into him. No hesitation. No resistance. You kiss him like you want to fuck him. Like you want him more than anything in the world. And I know that for that one moment you do. His hands are all over you. I turn in my seat to watch. I undo my pants in my need to have my cock in my hand. I hope that I can watch without coming so that I can properly take you .... as many times as possible.

You sit in his lap. Your shirt is now gone completely -- not to be found, or even looked for, until the 10 hour ride is done. His cock is out. Hard and upright against the black lace of your thong. You're kissing him and pushing your clit against his cock like you're going to cum right through the material. I come out of my haze of lust for long enough to hand you a condom. Then he's fucking you -- the thong pushed aside and your mini-skirt coming up and down on his stomach and balls. His hands are on your upper arms pushing you up and down -- fucking you as you fuck him.

Seat belts I'm thinking. If a cop pulls us over right now we are so getting tickets for not wearing seat belts.

Then you shudder and push down hard as he comes.

You're topless and you've lost the thong, but somehow the mini-skirt is still on. We stop briefly for gas and to stretch. I don't think they'll mind you say as you go into the convenience store. And the guy behind the counter certainly doesn't. Just to rub it in you buy a Red Bull and pay for it slowly while his eyes memorize the lines of your breasts. And then you kiss both me and the driver before leaving the store....

You give me the keys. You'd better drive you say. I've got a debt to pay -- you point to our original driver.

Torture it is. I have to watch the road while he takes you. You're on the bottom this time. In the front passenger seat. The seat pushed back. Him on top of you pushing into you to make up for all the frustration you caused by not letting him watch the first time.

I have to admire his stamina. It's a good 20 miles to the next town and he's still inside you. Your legs wrapped around him. Taking it. Taking all that he can give. Moaning for him not to stop. I'm hard. It hurts to be this hard for this long but I don't care.

Hours later I pull over. Our passenger is awake and I give him the wheel. I strip you completely and bring you and the other man back to the first bench seat. You between us. Suck his cock I tell you. Make him hard again. I know you can and I know you'll love it. Your pussy is wet. Wet and sore but I go slowly. You're hot now and open to anything. I start playing with my fingers in your pussy. Two fingers. You open your legs. Three. Four. You moan. Straining to get as much of his cock as you can into your mouth. I know where you are now -- a completely sexual being.

I add my thumb in and twist my hand. Gently but firmly I put more and more of my hand into you. Finally I fist you as you continue to suck his cock. Then you give up on the oral sex -- pushing back against my hand as you come hard. So hard. We almost end up on the floor but he helps hold onto you as you thrash.

I turn you over and take you from behind as he holds you. I explode into you as all the images from the night blast through my mind.

We lay together in a tangled heap of three bodies. Rhum-tum, Rhum-tum, Rhum-tum. The sound of the pavement returns to fill the quiet. Defining once again our, now somewhat more intimate, world.

A couple of hours later the van slows again. You stretch leisurely and unbelievably sexually. You pull on your mini-skirt but nothing else. My cock stirs again watching the guy at this truck-stop trying not to stare. He's cute you say. You're whispering to me again. Don't you think he needs a nice long kiss to remember me by before we leave ....

Photo credits: The first two are original (I promise the woman is over 18!). The rest are from the web. I believe they are from Flickr streams but I didn't make a note of the addresses.

Sex Survey

2009-01-23T15:06:00.001-08:00

1. I have a longing for (mark up to three):

a. Kisses that seem to reach to my soul.
b. The hot and cold of skillfully alternating pleasure and pain that turns my mind to mush and my body to clay.
c. Orgasms that make me see shooting stars and scream for more.
d. A slow touch with no goal beyond the pleasure of the moment (and that may or may not lead to orgasmic sex).
e. The feel of my love's attention focused on my needs rather than their own.
f. A feeling of spiritual union where my lovers feels and knows my needs before I am even aware of them.
g. The feeling that I'm holding my lover's sexual soul in the palm of my hand and can make them feel any color of the rainbow that I choose and drive them to heights they have never before seen.
h. Other:

2. If you had to pick just one longing from question 1 what would it be:

3. If I could wave a magic wand and change one thing about my lover it would be (circle one):

a. I'd like him or her to focus less on themselves and more on me.
b. I'd like him or her to slow down and enjoy each moment rather than push toward orgasmic sex.
c. I'd like him or her to spend some real time learning the kinds of touch I most like on different parts of my body.
d. I'd like more creativity and diversity in the ways and places we make love.
e. I'd like my lover to stop putting pressure on me. I need the freedom to be myself in bed and I need to choose for myself when I'm in the mood for sex.
f. I'd like my lover to be better able to read my body language and feel my moods and desires moment by moment and to react in harmony with them.
g. I'd like my lover to show more passion when we're together. I'd like them to kiss me like it's our last night on earth, go crazy with my touch, and come like dynamite exploding.
h. I'd like my lover to connect with me at a deeper level -- to express our love more clearly in our love making.
i. Other:

4. If you had trouble choosing just one option in question 4, what others were you tempted to put instead (list letters):

5. At the end of a long day the hardest thing for me about getting into a sexual mood is:

a. I have trouble leaving behind the stresses and concerns of the day.
b. I am exhausted. I get into a sexual mood easily if I can stay awake long enough.
c. I have trouble forgetting the other days when I felt pressure to be sexual when I didn't really want to be.
d. It's not that hard for me to get into a sexual mood but it takes time and my lover doesn't always give me that time.
e. When we're tired and stressed my lover and I tend to quarrel over nothing. Once that starts happening it's really hard for me to feel sexual.
f. Other:

6. The best ways my lover can help me with this transition is to (mark up to three):

a. Take the time to create a sexual place for me to come to (perhaps with candles and music).
b. Find a transition activity we can do together, like a game or short TV show, that allows me a time between my busy day and our time in bed.
c. Leave me alone for a while to do whatever I need to do and trust that I will come find them soon.
d. No transition is really necessary as long as our sexual time together starts slowly with a back rub or other sensual, but not overtly sexual, activity.
e. Give me a glass of wine and talk to me. It's really that simple.
f. Get me out of the house. "Getting away from it all" is the best possible break.
g. Other:

7. If you had to choose just one option in question 6 what would it be:

8. Once the transition is over my lover can really spark my sexuality by (mark up to three):

a. Starting slowly in bed -- exactly how they touch me is less important that their sensual focus on me.
b. Telling me a sexual fantasy. Nothing helps me leave my troubles behind like a story.
c. Touching me sensually here (list):

d. Tying me up and spanking me. Call me kinky if you like but there is nothing else like it.
e. It's really too late at this time. If my lover wants me to be really sexual he or she should be seducing me and flirting sexually at a light level all day long.
f. Getting in a tickle-fight (or other physical/teasing game) with me. Romantic play is a huge turn on for me.
g. Seducing me. The details are less important than the fact that I want to feel that I'm being pampered, flirted with, and, well, seduced.
h. Expressing their desire for me. More than anything else I get hot knowing that he or she wants me.
i. Other:

9. If you had to choose one option question 8 what would it be:

10. I would be so excited that I might start getting hard/wet if my lover would just (mark all that apply):

a. Kiss me like he or she used to when we were first dating.
b. Play sexually with me in public. I'm an exhibitionist at heart.
c. Bring me flowers. It may sound silly but I find romance very sexual.
d. Whisper sexual images of what he or she is going to do to me in my ear.
e. Spank me.
f. Push their hard body up against me. I want to feel how much they want me.
g. Other:

Hey Now

2008-12-15T17:57:00.000-08:00

I have a picture. Short mini-skirt. Fish net thigh-high stockings. Thin low cut top. You pull it open so that the red of your right nipple just almost shows. Enough for guys walking past to do a double take and run into chairs. You tease that you'll leave it like that when our waiter comes, and see if he can still remember our order...

I have an attitude. I love your open and undeniably unresistingly unrestrainably sexuality. "Some women manufacture sex, others just deal in it." You swim in it. It comes out in every movement, every look, every curve. You hold my hand but catch another guy's eye and wink at him. I see the open heat in that smile. The kind that any guy can read.

Any adventure is open. That's the thrill (and the threat?).

You smile at him again as your finger lightly touches your nipple under your thin top. Then you head to the restroom. Will you meet him in a dark hall and make out? Open his pants and ease your naughty hand around his cock? Slip your thong into his pocket along with your phone number? Enjoy his strength as he forces you against the wall.

Sex at it's best is a primitive wild force. The beauty is in that wildness. In my mind I see his hand in your shirt. See no resistance as he pulls your pussy against his pelvis. No limits. No rules. I've been getting aroused watching you tease, but now I start to get hard.

I wonder when you'll be back. You've been gone too long. Jealousy is another wild emotion. It respects no conventions and knows no logic. And it cares nothing for the beauty of raw sex. I look for the guy you winked at. I don't see him.

My perspective flips and the ceiling turns into a floor. Some guy is moving in on my woman. The people around us are wondering, and I wonder, what I'm not giving you. Why you wander. I stare into space, suddenly aware that I'm sitting alone while you're somewhere unknown doing who knows what. Women who have a good man are satisfied and don't act like this.

This is the topsy-turvey perspective that makes you say that you can push my buttons at will. That makes me think I can wish for wild sex but can't handle it. That makes you feel that I don't trust you.

That makes me doubt my own sanity.

Or maybe it was just a wink. You come back to the table, put your foot up on my chair, and rub it against my cock. Your breasts are now barely covered on both sides. I can see your nipples erect just under the thin material. You catch me up in your sexuality like a life raft in a tidal wave. But more than this, the love and commitment, your happiness at being back with me, sets my world right side up. The floor is back under my feet.

Then your look changes and becomes enigmatic and unreadable. "He's a good kisser. But I think he may have left a bruise here." And you slip your left breast briefly out of your shirt. I see two red marks below the nipple. My cock goes hard. Instantly.

You were kissing him. And you want more. Much more. I can see it in your eyes. You want it naughty and you want it bad.

"So, what do you want tonight?" Your question. Any adventure is open. Any.

My mind swirls. Jealousy is back that I'm not rough enough. That I'm not strong enough -- that I'm too close and too much in love to give you the dominance you crave. That if you get that dominance from another man he'll become something that matters to you -- something you find hard to ever give up. That at some level your wildness knows no rules. That there is a stranger in you that I can never know. That there is something you can't say no to. Something you'll want when I'm not around and are tempted to take without telling me. Something that feels less like an adventure and more like an affair.

And I feel want. Incredibly deep sexual and emotional want. I can taste it. Taste the heat of what I want you to be and how badly I want to watch him fuck you. I want all of you. Want your sexuality and your wildness. Want you to fuck him as he has never been fucked before. Want you to let it all loose. Be as bad as you can. 'Slut' does not capture it -- too crude and too carnal. 'Sex goddess' is closer. You embody sexuality and become sexuality. I want to feel all the raw energy of your unbridled sexuality under me as I fuck you. To know that you have let it all out, that you've been as uninhibited and unbridled as your soul allows, and you're mine. That that energy is ours now as I fuck you again and again.

The white heat of my desire stirs with the blackness of the jealousy. I wonder if once you are sexually free you can ever truly come back. Whether you are truly ever mine again. Whether I satisfy you or whether you keep me as a safe place to come back to between the wanton sexuality of adventures that meet your sexual needs.

If you gamble enough you always eventually loose. If we play enough will you eventually find a man who touches your soul as his cock makes you scream with pleasure? You may be wild but you are human and sex ties to intimacy. We humans open up after sex, and if he touches your soul you'll know it. And he'll know it. And you'll want more. And I could lose you. And I don't know how I would bear that. Especially if it happened due to my immoral hedonistic desires. Desires that go far beyond need.

All of this goes through my head in the time it takes you to say "What do you want tonight?". I hesitate. My mind is in such a swirl that I have no idea what is on my face. You worry that you've gone too far. That you've hurt me again. That you've ruined the evening. You pull your shirt closed and look at the floor.

So badly, I want so badly. Something. I want something so badly. Maybe just to be of one mind. To have your certainty that nothing could ever go wrong. To have your ability to split out sex from love, and make it pure with no jealousy, no worry, no darkness. That would make my life so much simpler.

Or maybe I want to be free of dangerous desires. To not be so deeply moved when you dance, and your sexuality entrances the room, and I picture his cock inside you (and you still asking for more). To not get so hard when I think about his hand when he made those marks on your breast.

But I can't give up either. You are everything to me. I can't even get my mind around what it would mean to lose you. Can't act rationally. Even though I know the chance of losing you is so much lower than a 'normal' disaster like a car accident. At least a car accident is not due to my hedonistic desires. A part of me repeats that those hedonistic desires are wrong. I'm a good man. I'd like to be a great man. Great men have discipline. Great men give to others. Great men are not slaves to their desires and don't shred their relationships and make their wives cry over sex.

I can't give up the wildness. It's a love of life, and life's pure unbridled power. It is deeply part of who I am. I am just as wild as you and just as naughty. I want it all, I want it hot, and I want it now. I want his hand inside your shirt playing with your nipple on the dance floor. I want you to be every man's fantasy and my soul mate. I want your thong soaking wet with desire. And I want you to give the thong to me just before you to go back to dancing with him.

I wrestle with those desires. Wanting to take you home, and make love slowly, and look into each other's eyes for hours wanting nothing but each other. Wanting to take you from behind in the car not caring who watches. Wanting to take him to a hotel, and for the two of us to fuck you in turn until you scream with pleasure, and wanting to tie your wrists to the table and share you with men you can't even see.

All of this just within the space of one question: "So, what do you want tonight?" .....

There is freedom within, there is freedom without
Try to catch the deluge in a paper cup
There's a battle ahead, many battles are lost
But you'll never see the end of the road
While you're traveling with me

Hey now, hey now
Don't dream it's over
Hey now, hey now
When the world comes in
They come, they come
To build a wall between us
We know they won't win

Now I'm towing my car, there's a hole in the roof
My possessions are causing me suspicion but there's no proof
In the paper today tales of war and of waste
But you turn right over to the T.V. page

Now I'm walking again to the beat of a drum
And I'm counting the steps to the door of your heart
Only shadows ahead barely clearing the roof
Get to know the feeling of liberation and relief

Hey now, hey now
Don't dream it's over
Hey now, hey now
When the world comes in
They come, they come
To build a wall between us
Don't ever let them win

Don't Dream It's Over (Neil Finn)

A Tale of Two Cows

2008-12-12T11:13:00.000-08:00

( I got this over the web but made a few 'special improvements' of my own. I have no idea where the original version first started. It's pretty funny though.)

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

AMERICAN
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

FRENCH
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you
want three cows.

JAPANESE
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow
and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and
market it worldwide.

GERMAN
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and
milk themselves.

ITALIAN
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

RUSSIAN
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

SWISS
Not two, you have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

CHINESE
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

INDIAN
You have two cows.
You worship them.

BRITISH
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

IRAQI
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none but no one believes you.
They bomb the fuck out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracy.

AUSTRALIAN
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good mate.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

NEW ZEALAND
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

SOUTH AFRICAN
You have two cows.
Both are stolen.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters
of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a
debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all
four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to
a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who
sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one
more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving
you with nine cows.

SUBPRIME BAILOUT
You have two cows.
You borrow $100 million against the expected earnings from their milk.
You use the money to hire 1000 employees with dubious job titles.
When you can't repay the loan you get a government bailout to avoid the addition of 1000 poor souls to the unemployment roles.
You use the bailout money to give yourself a huge annual bonus.

I Have An Attitude

2008-12-09T14:12:00.000-08:00

I'm buying sexy clothes for you. So there.

And if you wear them when we out dancing,
And if no one but me notices,
And if you have eyes for no one but me,
That's fine.

And if half the people in the room are watching,
And if you move in your slow and sultry style,
And if I can feel them all fucking you with their eyes,
That's fine too.

And if you dance with one of them,
And if you french kiss them on the dance floor,
And if their hand is playing with your nipple,
That's fine too.

And if you kiss them good bye,
And if I take you home,
And if I fuck you like a wild man,
That's fine too.

And if we take her with us to a hotel,
And if she licks your clit slowly and plays there all night,
And if you have a screaming orgasm,
That's fine too.

(Got ya. Bet you thought it was a guy on the dance floor. Well, that would work too...)

What happens happens. It's all an adventure and I'm going to relax and enjoy just watching you dance and then whatever. No matter what else happens I'll be hard for days and we'll have great sex (with or without that guy from the dance floor).

Life Lessons

2008-12-02T14:15:00.000-08:00

I will not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little death that brings total annihilation.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone only I will remain.

Adapted from Frank Herbert's Dune

I need to put this quote on my wall and read it every day. I remember it from years ago when I first read Dune. I was reminded again seeing the movie this weekend. It is a strange book and a stranger movie, but the quote is priceless. It captures a life lesson for me - and I learn it again and again.

This version of the quote, by the way, is how I remembered it. Looking it up on Wikipedia I found that I got it wrong. Too bad. I like this versions better - maybe because of the number of times I've said it to myself.

What is the point of fear? At some level it is critical for survival. Without fear we'd happily walk along a ledge 1000 feet up and our live expectancy would be short. Without fear I'd quit my job today and found my own company. And without fear I'd play more sexually and not worry about what it might do to my marriage or my soul.

How do you tell the difference between a healthy fear that keeps you alive and an irrational cloak of fear that keeps you from being alive?

My reality is that if I take a risk and fail it hurts others. If I quit my job and can't pay the mortgage then my family is impacted perhaps more than I am. If we get too kinky sexually my emotions go on a roller coaster ride. And during the lows I hurt the ones I love as much or more than I hurt myself.

And while I don't worry so much about hurting myself it's very hard for me to risk hurting others.

Still, the Dune quote is priceless. I will not be reckless but I will not be ruled by fear. "I must not fear. Fear is the mind killer...."

Image credit: Flickr stream who's name I've lost. From what I remember there were lots of cool sexy underwater shots though.

Never Thought It Would Happen

2008-11-05T12:49:00.000-08:00

I was born the year JFK was assassinated. I grew up with Vietnam on TV and demonstrations in the street. I remember Watergate clearly, the energy crisis, and a prolonged cold war that threatened all of mankind. My family was fairly conservative but even from them, and certainly from the larger community, the message that government and big business were incompetent and borderline evil was clear.

I started my career in academic research partially on the grounds that working for a government or large corporation was "selling out".

I never though I'd be honestly inspired, deeply moved, and given new hope by any political candidate. Much less by a US President Elect.

But it happened last night. Starting with these words:

If there is anyone out there who still doubts that America is a place where all things are possible; who still wonders if the dream of our founders is alive in our time; who still questions the power of our democracy, tonight is your answer.

And almost brought tears to my eyes here:

... tonight we proved once more that the true strength of our nation comes not from our the might of our arms or the scale of our wealth, but from the enduring power of our ideals: democracy, liberty, opportunity, and unyielding hope.

Amen. Our country may actually have a president to be proud of.

Vote No On 8

2008-10-28T17:01:00.000-07:00

Next week California voters will vote on a constitutional amendment that adds the following text to the California constitution:

Only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in California.

On the surface that seems pretty harmless. After all, if you consult dictionary.com you get the following definition of marriage:

The social institution under which a man and woman establish their decision to live as husband and wife by legal commitments, religious ceremonies, etc.

But the reality is that it's not harmless at all. Far from it.

I've wondered at times what it was like before the civil war -- when slavery was widely considered to be morally right based on biblical texts. Or in the 60's when black people had to sit in the back of the bus and this was considered the natural order. Or in the early part of the 20th century when women could not vote and were considered inferior to men by design. Or, to take a more extreme case, to have been in Nazi Germany when Jews were being rounded up with the support of the state and the church.

What would that have been like? We all today regard race and sex and religion as personal attributes that have no standing in the eye of the law. Would we have seen it then? Would we all have seen it then? Most people didn't see it at first. These questions were debated for decades. Families were bitterly divided. Churches and States slit in two. Speeches were made, and papers written, assuring us of the downfall of western civilization if women were allowed to vote, if inner-racial marriages were legalized, if schools were integrated.....

And now we have the same pattern. Gay marriage is seen as a symptom of contemporary moral decay. We are told that the institution of marriage can only be preserved if it is defined as being between a man and a woman. And if the institution of marriage fails then the family fails. And if the family fails then civilization as we know it will fail and we will live in a hell of out-of-wedlock teen pregnancy, AIDS, decreasing standards of living, and presidents who use cocaine.

Being gay is not a choice. It's not an illness. It is not the result of childhood trauma. And I don't think the people who are planning to vote to restrict marriage to a man and a woman believe any of those things. Rather, they will vote for measure 8 because the idea of two men or two women getting married spooks them. It seems strange. It is not 'normal'.

Since being gay is not a choice it follows that limiting marriages to heterosexual couples is simply discrimination. If a man is in love with and deeply committed to another man then we would be saying "OK you can be in love but you're not really a couple -- you're not married". You are less than us. You are different. You're weird.

How exactly is that any different than saying the same thing to a member of a racial minority? To a man who is disabled? To a woman?

When you break it down, discrimination based on sexual preference it is so precisely like every other kind of discrimination that it's hard to believe the debate even exists today. But more money has been spent on California's measure 8 than has been spent on any social ballot measure. Ever. Anywhere on earth.

50 years from now this debate will make no sense to our children. Actually even today this debate makes no sense to our children. Marriage is about commitment and love. If a gay couple makes a life-long commitment to each other and calls that a marriage then they strengthen the institution, not weaken it. It makes as little sense to say that two men cannot get married then it does to say that a black man and a white woman cannot get married.

But we will vote next week. And, God willing, we will defeat measure 8. Otherwise I fear that we will set back the cause of equality and tolerance by a decade ....

A Political Statement

2008-10-09T10:42:00.000-07:00

I was in Washington DC earlier this week and found this rather interesting sign:

Not meaning to make a political statement but this was the best sign I've seen in days. Weeks. Months. The Bush era is finally coming to an end. OK I do mean to make a political statement. We're seeing the final implications of the premise that intelligence in elected officials does not matter. Intelligence matters. Morality matters yes, but replacing thinking with belief is like driving with your eyes closed. It'll take you over a cliff every time. I just hope the damage in other areas of federal policy has not been as bad as what's happened to our monetary policy.

As part of the preparation for the inauguration I also found a crew with a big crane on the back side of the capitol steps. So I offer my own Obama poster for change in Washington:

Hope. Vote. Change is coming.

Luck (Redefined)

2008-09-17T14:32:00.000-07:00

I've been in a strange mood today. Maybe it's because I started the day with a trip to the dentist. What good can come of a day that starts with a trip to the dentist? Maybe it's because it was cloudy and cold this morning and I can feel Autumn and Winter coming and that makes me feel old. But mostly I feel the need for something in my life that I cannot define. I'm not lonely, not hungry, sex is great, and my job is challenging. I want to get in my car and drive until I find a place I've never been before. I want .... something. If I can figure it out I'll bottle and sell it and make a mint.

In the mean time here are two pictures worth the proverbial thousand words. Luck redefined for the modern world. The first is the luck to stay alive (in case you can't read the words on the phone it says "01 call missed"). The second is the luck all of us look for at the next hot bar or sexual party. Hot. I want.

Both of these are from the same rather interesting flickr photo stream.

Believe, Fly, Believe

2008-09-05T10:49:00.001-07:00

On the rock wall. Left hand low. Right hand high but unstable. My left foot is toe-hooked on a mediocre hold. My right foot is somewhere on the wall for balance.

The next hold is way the hell up and around the corner. All I can see is the end of the brown tape marking it as part of my route. The tape points around the corner like a kind of aircraft landing strip -- appropriately so since I'll be in the air when I get there.

I pull up hard with the left hand, then straighten up and reach hard up and left following the brown tape. Pull up with right hand -- as hard as the crappy hold allows. Pull like hell with the left toe -- this move is more than half hamstrings. Then everything happens too fast to see or think. I'm in the air going up. My left hand finds the hold -- though my eyes never see it. My right hand lets go and I pivot hard to the left. My left hand holds -- more due to unreasoned belief than to the laws of physics. I swing on my left hand and left foot. I stabilize and re-grab the right hand hold. Two more quick moves and I'm at the top of the route.

I wonder as I climb down how you talk yourself into a jump like that. Part of it is that I know the grading of the route, and it should be within my abilities. Part of it is that I measured the distances with my eyes from the ground. Part of it is that I set up mats so that if I missed the jump the fall would not hurt, much.

But most of it is unreasoned belief. When you're barely holding, on and you look up at the next hold, 90% of your brain says "no fucking way". Then you do it anyway. Because you believe you can do it. Based on no real evidence, and no real knowledge other than the undisputed fact that you can't possibly do it unless you make yourself believe.

It occurs to me this morning that almost anything worth doing is like that. You train, you practice, you assess your skills. But there comes a critical moment when you let go. You believe. And you fly.

What if

2008-09-03T15:11:00.000-07:00

"Life is full of compromise and infinite red tape". That's in a song somewhere. Compromise is hard. Especially when you're wondering what if.

What if I had been a bit stronger? What if I could have kept my perspective a bit clearer and been a bit less jealous?

What if I could have felt less pain -- or come to see sooner that the pain was self-inflicted?

What if I could have opened up a bit more? What if I had been more outgoing? What if I had not gotten frustrated by rejections?

What if I had stronger inner-confidence in my own sexuality?

What if I could have kept open multiple perspectives and not jumped to negative interpretations? What if I could have projected more understanding and acceptance?

What if I could have projected unquestioned and unadulterated trust?

What if, what if. Would life be different now? Would my relationship with my love be stronger? Would we be closer and understand each other at levels we now only dream of? Would sex be richer? Would I have found experiences that have now passed me by? Would my social skills be better? Would I have found whole new networks of friends?

Would I feel more confidence today? Would I have a better shot at creating my own company?

But the 'what ifs' weren't. So we have compromise. And infinite red tape.

Some days I have to remind myself that I live unambiguously in this world and no other. Life is what it is. And I remind myself that I didn't do too badly on all of those 'what ifs'. Life could be better but it could also be a good deal worse.

Of course there is always the companion question. The one I only ask in a whisper:

What if next time ....

MAGIC POWER
Words and music by Triumph

Somethin's at the edge of your mind, you don't know what it is.
Somethin' you were hopin' to find but your not sure what it is.
Then you hear the music and it all comes crystal clear.
The music does the talkin' says the things you want to hear.

CHORUS:
I'm young, I'm wild, and I'm free.
I got the magic power of the music in me.

She climbs into bed, pull the covers overhead, and turns her little radio on.
She's has a rotten day so she hopes the DJ's gonna play her favorite song.
It makes her feel much better, brings her closer to her dreams.
A little magic power makes it better that it seems.

She's young now, she's wild now, she wants to be free.
She gets the magic power of the music from me.

If you're thinkin' it over but you just can't sort it out.
Do you want someone to tell you what they think it's all about.
Are you the one and only who's sad and lonely, reachin' for the top.
Well the music keeps you goin' and it's never gonna stop.

The world is full of compromise, the infinite red tape.
But the music's got the magic, it's your one chance for escape.
So turn me on - turn me up - it's your turn to dream.
A little magic power makes it better than it seems...

Original Art

2008-08-25T17:01:00.001-07:00

Or perhaps more accurately, original art made from other's art.

This is a college of 16 pictures I took last week in the Museum of Modern Art in New York City. No nudity -- well unless you count the Picasso. That Picasso is now my iPhone background. I guess it's safe for work .... Here it is by itself:

Amazingly I took all of these with the camera built into my iPhone. The collage I made using Picasa (available for free from Google here).

Thursday Ramblings

2008-07-17T17:37:00.000-07:00

It's late on a Thursday. This is my first week back from vacation. So I'm at work, but a part of my brain is still disconnected and has been watching the rest of my body and brain go through the motions of another week. My thoughts ramble around sex, money, ambition, and sex.

Money. Money is a strange thing. It flows through the system like blood. And when it gets too low you can feel the life drain out of a company, a town, or a family. There is always more you could do if you had more money. I would like to be able to take the kids with me when I go to China. And I would like to landscape the yard in a way that brings peace to the family when we are in it. I would like to eat at the best restaurants just to see what the food tastes like. I don't want material things for their own sake, but I want to live and I chafe when there is light and life that I can't afford. But I refuse to compromise job satisfaction, and I refuse to get into the business of chasing money. There is no such thing as enough and once you start chasing the "I want" there is no end.

Sex. Sex is a strange thing too. Actually it's a lot like money. It flows through the system like blood. And when it gets too low you can feel the life drain out of a man, a woman, or a relationship. You can always make it better and you can always make it wilder. You always have fantasies that are just out of reach, and kinks that have not been completely explored. Should you reach for the fantasy? Or is a fantasy enticing because it is out of reach? If you explore your kinks what's the impact on your soul and on the people you love? Do you add richness and life, grow yourself and your love? Or do you end up chasing hedonistic personal pleasure at the expense of intimacy, commitment, and love?

Ambition. Ambition is another thing. It's strange in a whole other way. Too little and you sit happily in your hammock and never do anything interesting. To me that's a real shame. But maybe not. Is it enough to be happy if you never accomplish a tenth of your potential? Life is short. You only have one chance to do something worth doing. On the other hand, at some point you have to be able to be happy with some level of accomplishment, or you will be forever be unhappy because there are always more challenges and more you could do if you work just a little harder...

Ramblings on a Thursday that feels like a Friday. But the ramblings have meaning for me. My current job is not demanding but neither is it stressful. To abuse Gibran, I will laugh but not all my laughter and weep but not all my tears. And I could make more money if I worked in a larger company. And I might make a lot more money, or a lot less, if I went to a true startup. Where I am is safe. And we have what we need -- if not everything we could want.

It's more ambition that troubles me. The continuous concern that if I don't push myself -- relationship and career-wise -- I'll never know what I'm capable of. And I won't grow.

And I can't escape the feeling that time is rushing past me. I try to come up with a plan that takes care of my family and challenges me. I fix issues. I fix computers. I talk with my friends. I play the piano, kiss, and love. Life is good actually.

Why do I keep waking up thinking that it could be more?

Photo credits: The money picture I actually stole from an article on CNN (but I'll never admit it). I have no clue where the 'sex' photo came from. I don't even remember seeing it before, but it was in my erotic photo collection so I must have downloaded it from somewhere. The 'Ambition' poster is from here, where you can find a large collection of very funny 'demotivational' posters.

Gay and Lesbian Marriage -- At Church

2008-06-18T16:16:00.000-07:00

The newspapers out here in California have been chock-full of stories about gay and lesbian marriage. I've actually been getting a bit tired of it. I mean it's a big story and all, but does it have to be on the top headline every day for a month?

But it all became a lot less theoretical when we started having discussions at our church about whether we should allow gay and lesbian couples to be married in the sanctuary.

At first glance it seemed obvious (at least to me) that we should. It's a significant event and a perfect place for it. To me love is love and commitment is commitment -- the sex of the parties loving and committing is irrelevant. Sex is just a matter of what organs you happen to have, but love is forever and a marriage commitment is lifelong.

But there are complications. First, what if we agree to marry gay and lesbian couples and this causes half the church members to walk out and not come back? The church is made up of its members and they should all have a say in its policies. How do your compromise on an issue like this? Will either side want to?

Second, if the ministers participate in the service there is a serious chance they could be literally tried and convicted in a church court (at the national level). Would our church be willing to take that stance and take that risk?

On the other hand, there was a time -- not that long ago in the southern parts of the US -- when the same questions were asked about minorities in traditionally all-white churches. We now see the men and women who stood up for integration is forward thinkers with moral depth and foresight.

But its a lot harder when you're in a small church, with a divided congregation, that could lose half it's professional staff for 3-4 years due to an extended dispute with the national church.

Interesting times.

OK I admit that this image has nothing to do with the post. But you have to admit that it's cool. Just imagine getting married, or having your bride wear, this dress...

We Have Ways of Making You Talk

2008-05-23T16:56:00.000-07:00

"The time has come," the Walrus said,
"To talk of many things:
Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax--
Of cabbages--and kings--
And why the sea is boiling hot--
And whether pigs have wings."

"But wait a bit," the Oysters cried,
"Before we have our chat;
For some of us are out of breath,
And all of us are fat!"
"No hurry!" said the Carpenter.
They thanked him much for that.

The time has come to talk. There is no hurry but it should be soon. Talk talk talk. Sometimes I think all I do is talk. But the time has come for more. There are questions to answer. Secrets to share. Mysteries to unravel. Planets to conjoin. Wine is required.

I've tried before to fix problems that I only half way understood - the other half shrouded in fog. Big mistake. I learned. A bad plan that addresses the entire problem is way better than a great plan that only addresses half the problem...

No storms. No drama. Well no more than absolutely necessary.

But questions to answer. Time to talk.

If you want to play along at home here are ...

Lestat's Top Ten Sexual Questions:

If I really want to get you going, what should I do? Give you a long French Kiss? Spank you? Bite your neck? Bite your ears? Whisper naughty things in your ear? Pinch your nipples? Is the answer different if we are in a semi-public place like a beach or a dark booth in a bar?

If you could change one thing about the way you and your lover have sex what would it be?

How do you tell your lover non-verbally to bite/pinch a bit softer without breaking the mood? Same question on how you tell them to do it a bit harder?

How do you like your lover to touch your clit? What movements turn you on? What touches break the mood or the rhythm? Same questions for oral sex.

How can your lover signal you, without pressure, that they want to set aside some time and have great sex?

What do you want to try sexually that you have not tried? New positions? Two hours of foreplay with sex not allowed until the time is up? Sexual exercises? A threesome? Tying your lover up? Sex in public? Being tied up? Being a sex slave for the night? Having a sex slave for the night?

Are there sexual frustrations or limitations that you are hiding from? Not addressing? Things you hope will go away?

Are there questions you have asked your lover that they have never answered? Do you still want to know the answers?

What are your sexual fantasies? What do you visualize when you're driving in the car playing with yourself, or in the shower dreaming sexual daydreams? Is it being someone's sex slave? Is it a threesome? Is it a wild day where you go out in a tiny mini-skirt and fuck anyone you want? Sex with a stranger on a beach? Sex in a club or an alley while people walk by and watch? DP? BDSM? Something else?

Do you feel your lover fully accepts your sexuality? If not what parts of it do you feel they don't accept and in what ways would they act differently if they did accept them?

Talk talk talk. Hold hands. Kiss. Two bottles of wine.

Poem extract from 'The Walrus and The Carpenter' by Lewis Carroll. Picture from Flickr (but I have no memory of which stream).

Tolerance Redefined

2008-05-20T17:02:00.000-07:00

I've always thought of myself as a tolerant person. I was never into drugs, but I remember hanging out in friend's rooms while they passed the bong around or told stories about their latest trip. I had friends who were deeply Catholic and others who were committed Wickens. And others who were Engineers. And I've had friends of all manner of sexual orientation.

But as I get older I realize that there is a whole depth of tolerance that goes beyond simple acceptance of obvious differences. The deeper realization for me comes in two parts:

1. Life is damn hard.
2. It's really not obvious how it "should" be lived.

Let's take those one at time.

Life is Damn Hard. At some level life in the modern world is easy. It's not that hard to earn enough money to buy food and have a roof over your head. Nearly everyone manages that. The really hard parts are elsewhere -- and generally are things that they never warn you about when you're a kid.

When the roof is not leaking, and the kids are not screaming, and the pantry is not empty, what do you do with yourself? In the quiet in the middle of the night when you ask the ceiling what it's all for, who will answer?

What do you do when you wake up and realize that today will be just like 100 other days that have gone before? And that you're most likely to fail at the same things, and succeed at the same things, as all those other days. How do you get out of bed? How do you stay away from the Vodka?

How do you watch your body slowly lose strength, looks, and poise? How do you watch your own health slowly fail?

What do you do when you realize that you will never achieve 90% of your dreams? How do you answer the voices that ask where they have gone, and why you didn't achieve them? Why you didn't try harder? Why next time will be any different? Why should you keep trying?

How do you face the fact that any moment of any day could be your last, or your love's last, despite all your hopes, plans, and remaining dreams?

How do you say goodbye to all the friends and family members you know will die before you?

This list could go on but that would just be depressing and I think I've made my point.

It's not clear how it "should" be lived. So many of the things we take for granted -- marriage, 3 meals a day, commuting to work, having a career, religion as we know it, government as we know it, etc. were invented since the renaissance. It's all good. But it all could be different -- and has been in other successful societies. Despite what some people say I don't believe that very much of the fabric of our society is God given or in any way built into our essential humanness.

(As an aside, the thing that cracks me up the most about "conservatives" is how they cling religiously to things that their ancestors chose arbitrarily. An extreme example of this is the Representative in the Texas legislator who argued for an 'English only' law on the ground that "if English was good enough for Jesus Christ it's good enough for Texas".)

So what does this add up to? For me it means that if someone wants to spend their life building and HO-scale replica of the TransPacific railroad then I'll admire their recreations of coal cars. And if someone struggles through relationships, and multiple marriages, and does not seem to get there then I'll see all of our struggles in their eyes. And if someone else finds meaning by giving away their belongings and practicing medicine in the African bush then I'll try to find money to support their work. And if someone fears to fly on airplanes and balks at any risk then I'll see in their words the reflection of the abyss we all stand before. And if someone else wants to fuck every cute member of the opposite sex (or the same sex) then I'll enjoy their celebration of life. And if someone else wants to meditate in silence for months seeking solace in nirvana then I'll wonder at their peace and see if I can find any of it for myself.

I have no patience with laziness or cruelty or dishonesty. But the problems of living a good life as a human in this age, or any other age, are so daunting. Tolerance means knowing that we all struggle with the same damn hard problems, and we all find our own ways of somehow coping, living, and, hopefully, adding a bit of life and light to our part of the earth.

Miller Time -- Upgraded

2008-04-24T17:30:00.000-07:00

This so captures my mood this evening ....

Found on the Flickr stream of kuroy301.

Good Times

2008-04-11T11:24:00.000-07:00

I have a habit of going quiet in blog world when real life is going well. In troubled times I write -- perhaps in the hopes of moving the troubles out of real life and into a sphere where they can do less harm. I once wrote about this as 'Dorian Grey Blogging'.

But for today I want to break that habit. I think there are several reasons for this: (i) This is my 200th blog post, (2) I'm about to turn 45, and (c) Lots of things are going well and it seems like sometimes I should write about the good parts.

Let's start with the weather. It's perfect out here in San Francisco. Spring has finally come -- pretty much just today -- and I'm going sailing this weekend.

Then there is my work. I hate to jinx anything, but it seems to be going amazingly well. I have a new title and a kind-of sort-of promotion and we just finished the best quarter in company history. And the coming quarter looks even better. And I have a side project going that may someday lead to my own startup.

More amazingly, our family finances are looking a little better due to the largest quarterly bonus I've ever seen and a larger than expected tax refund from Uncle Sam.

Finally, my wife and I have been through a lot of storms in the last two years. We have learned a lot about ourselves and each other. Most importantly, in every situation, in every day, and in the face of every kind of confusion and difficulty, we have always remained deeply committed each to the other and to each other. I think we are now in a better place as a couple than we have been in I don't know how many years -- and that's saying a lot. And that's the part I'm most deeply thankful for.

Post 199

2008-04-11T11:08:00.000-07:00

The main purpose of this post is to make the one I'm about to write my 200th post.

There is also a secondary purpose -- but I'll leave that a mystery.

Topless Astronomy -- Who'd a Thought?

2008-03-28T11:02:00.000-07:00

Picture is from the flickr stream of Miss. Aniela (who I hope understands how hard it is for someone with dyslexia to spell that name...)

Waiting On The Edge

2008-03-26T15:10:00.000-07:00

Some days I can just feel the edge. The point where I break out of my life and become real. Like Neo I can almost see the code that powers the world around me. And once I grasp it neither I nor the world will be the same.

Or maybe I'll grow old without ever having crossed that edge. I don't know any more.

There is so much poetry that expresses what I feel. The modern version is by Evanescence:

Without a soul
My spirit sleeping somewhere cold
Until you find it there and lead
It back home

Wake me up inside
Call my name
and save me from the dark
Bid my blood to run
Before I come undone
Save me from the nothing I've become

The nothing I've become. Meetings, quarterly goals, grocery stores, making kid's lunches for the thousandth time, not able to pursue dreams because I need to worry about the checking account. Even in sex I don't know how often I reach my wife or how deeply I fulfill her. Life goes on and each day is so much like the one before it.

I was going to change the world. Understand the nature of intelligence. Or maybe push the frontiers of quantum mechanics. Have a life-long romance as deep and passionate as man has seen. Or create a new company that would change the face of computing.

I don't know where that all happens. It's all just out of reach. Behind a curtain so thin that I could push through it with a thought. But it has to be just the right thought. The curtain is so thin but it tangles and locks my hands. It gives with every move but never quite breaks.

I can't quite find the path. And the days run out.

Now that I know
what I'm without
You can't just leave me
Breathe into me and make me real
Bring me to life

I've been sleeping
a thousand years it seems
Got to open my eyes to everything

There is no book on this. There is no teacher. No Zen Budda master, no Morpheus. I am alone facing the curtain just as every man before me has been.

And here face down beneath the sun
And here upon earth's noonward height
To feel the always coming on
The always rising of the night...

There is a lot of poetry behind these thoughts. The one above is by MacLeish. Here is a much older version from Tennyson:

Tho' much is taken, much abides; and tho'
We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are,--
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.

Maybe it's a phantom vision like the water mirage on the edge of a desert. But it feels so close and real. Just one more push through and I can be the way I (almost) see myself. A leader in my work. A sexual lover who takes women to heights they have never imagined. Open sexually to take all pleasures with no fear. A man alive in all sense of the word.

Or I'll fade away slowly into nothing. This last part is said as a prayer.

(Without a thought, without a voice, without a soul)
Don't let me die here
(This most be something more)
Bring me to life

To A Unicorn in White

2008-03-12T19:06:00.000-07:00

It must have been a dream,
so perfect,
but it seemed so real.

My partner sitting in my lap.
Naked.
Teasing my cock with her pussy,
while I played with her breasts.
People walking by,
sometimes stopping to enjoy the heat.

Then I looked up and saw a vision,
a picture from a wet dream of my youth.

White tank top.
Thin mesh.
Hiding nothing of her thin body.
Accentuating her breasts and red nipples.
A mini-skirt no longer than my hand.

She smiled at us.
We motioned for her to come over.
And she came to us,
without a word.

Kissing my partner,
moaning as she dug her hands into her full breasts.
I ran my hand up her leg and under her mini-skirt.
She had nothing on under it -
only wetness as I slipped my fingers into her clit.

Then she was between us.
Kissing my partner.
Kissing me.
Hot close deeply sexual kisses.

Tank top off. Mini-skirt off.
We laid her down.
A tongue played with her clit,
while I kissed her,
deeply and sexually,
until she came.

Then I took her,
she bit my nipples,
and moaned,
as I exploded inside her.

I must have dreamed it all,
so perfect,
but it seemed so real.

Morning Love

2008-02-16T08:29:00.000-08:00

Laying beside her in the late morning.
Lazy Saturday.
Both too softly awake to speak.
She pulls me close with one arm.
Barely at first but then more noticeably I feel her moving.
Now I know where her other hand is.
Her hips move rhythmically.
I don't touch her, don't want to break the mood.
But I can't help starting to stroke my cock.
She moves more urgently, pressing against my back on the upswing.
Finally she shutters and comes.
I reach over and gently run my hand down the length of her side.
We lay for a time and then I turn over and take her in my arms.
Willing my tongue down her neck to her breasts.
To her clit where I lick the juices there.
And feel her come again and again....

Picture from Tiavir's artistic/erotic photo stream on Flickr

Hard to Explain Why This Is So Cool

2008-02-15T10:34:00.001-08:00

Here is one to file under 'Why didn't I think of this?'. I'm not sure why it's so cool. The basic idea of making a harp out of lasers is cool. The light on his hands is cool. And the synthesized sound of the strings is cool.

Now think of where you could take this. First, it should sell like crazy. Second, think of different colored lasers. Different patterns. You could combine music with dance where every move of the dancer's feet and hands is not only in time with the music but actually generates the music. And there is no reason the harp would need to stay the same shape - it could evolve, and the sounds it creates could evolve, during the song.

But still I'm not sure why this is so cool ....

For My Valentine

2008-02-11T16:12:00.000-08:00

I Love the way you challenge me,

Mentally, physically, and emotionally.

I Love the way you can be dominant one minute,

And submissive the next (whimper).

I Love the way you talk and talk,

Sometimes saying everything ...

Sometimes saying nothing at all.

Want This On My Wall

2008-02-06T14:04:00.000-08:00

I want this picture as a poster on my wall. But at home I have kid issues and at work I have law suit issues ....

Still, imsexysusan should seriously go into the business of selling pinup pictures.

Every Number Tells a Story

2008-02-04T10:07:00.000-08:00

Imagine that you're in a club and an incredibly hot member of the opposite sex (or maybe the same sex for some of you) offers her/his phone number but you have nothing to write with. How can you remember the number long enough to get home? Fortunately, the technology is now available to instantly memorize any number.

The trick is to first associate a simple picture with each numeral. Then put the pictures together to form a story. Sound hard? That's only because you're not thinking of pictures and stories that are interesting enough. For extra fun you can even work with the hot mos to craft a particularly compelling story from their phone number.

To get you started, here are memorable pictures for the numbers zero to nine:

0. Orgasm

1. Cock

2. Sex (two people)

3. Threesome

4. Foursome

5. Fisting (five fingers)

6. Oral Sex (six-nine)

7. Getting lucky

8. Anal play (think about the shape of the 8)

9. Orgy (sex with as many people as possible)

To see how this works in practice, here is the story of PI (a famous mathematical constant):

One day I was fantasizing about my wife and I playing with another man (3) and my cock was getting hard (1). In the dream the man's girlfriend joined us (4) giving me a deep french kiss which made my cock even harder (1). Then she leaned over my wife and slowly pushed all five fingers into her pussy (5). More and more sexual images filled my head until the scene became a veritable orgy (9) of couples coupling in various positions (2). I went down on the girl friend (6) while next to me my wife climaxed loudly from the fisting the girlfriend was giving her (5).

There you go. Now you will never forget the first 9 digits of PI. But if you start to get an erection in math class don't go blaming me ....

All but one of the pictures here are from peterc10_ie's photo stream on flickr. The exception is the fisting shot which is from sapphicerotica.

And What's Wrong With That?

2008-02-01T17:06:00.000-08:00

Researchers have found that 'double dipping' is "just like kissing everyone at the party". And, no, by double dipping they do not mean fucking two women ....

But I just have to ask: What exactly is wrong with kissing everyone at the party?

This one is from osnap180's photo stream. And a kinky photo stream it is too...

Thoughts Under Glass

2008-01-11T10:54:00.000-08:00

Glass half full. Glass half empty. So limiting. Consider the possibilities:

Kinky: Ohhh, Massage oil. I want that everywhere. Between my breasts. In the crack of my ass. Then let's make love.

Engineer: The glass is twice as large as it needs to be.

Manager: The person in charge of glass refilling needs to take a more personal sense of ownership.

Executive: The conference room needs new halogens.

Presidential Candidate: New Hampshire in winter. Why does it always have to be be New Hampshire in winter?

Fetish: Did you know that healthy urine has almost exactly the color and clarity of good white wine?

Poet: Life itself. The universe in a drop.

Economist: 56% of consumers surveyed see the glass as half empty. This shows low consumer confidence and a strong possibility of recession.

Philosopher: There is no glass. Only a reflection of the self that views.

Zen philosopher: Does a half full glass perceive us to be twice as large?

Erotic: http://www.flickr.com/photos/99214346@N00/

Credits: Image borrowed from Jupiter. Kinky prespective from Devil.

Damn contemporary, bullshit architecture!

2007-12-14T11:20:00.000-08:00

This cartoon seems to be all over the net but it's so funny that I have to put a copy here. It always bothered me growing up that our house didn't have a chimney. These kids clearly have it much worse ...

How to Dress a Sex Toy

2007-12-13T13:12:00.000-08:00

[This is part one of a series. Part three is really hot. Part two is giving me some trouble but hopefully it'll work itself out soon.]

The shirt I bought you is backless and thin. The fact that you are braless is unequivocal. The material holds your breasts in a thin embrace. I put a dab of red tint on each nipple - just to make sure they are seen. On your back the purple frames your tramp stamp on three sides but leaves it open above to fly into the night.

You are wearing your shortest miniskirt. I slip off your thong and rub mint arousal gel into your clit. It tingles you say. Yes, I say, and when it stops tingling you must tell me, no matter where we are, so that I can put more on. As the gel starts to work I can see that you are already having trouble keeping your hands off your clit. I take the thong and carefully arrange it on your dresser among your perfume bottles and jewelry boxes. A memory, I tell you, of what is about to happen to you tonight.

Your hair is pulled back and the new purple highlights fall down your back. You’ve changed your usual lip gloss for red lipstick. On your legs you pull up thigh-high stockings – patterned to match your tattoo. As a final touch I give you a rhinestone chocker and an anklet with charms that spell out “S.L.U.T.”. As if the outfit leaves any question.

The look is almost perfect. But one piece is missing. Your sandals are high healed, strappy, and sexy, but you need boots. Tall black leather boots.

It’s early. Not quite dark outside and a couple of hours before dinner. I know you are wondering why we are getting ready so early, but you are smart enough not to ask. We drive into the city and park between several stores. Your miniskirt has worked its way far up your thigh during the drive – you can’t really help it. I can just barely see the wetness of your pussy. Your eyes are half closed. Occasionally your fingers move softly over your clit. Has the tingling stopped I ask? In answer you push two fingers into your pussy and then bring them up to mouth. I taste an intoxicating mix of feminine wetness and mint.

We walk into one of the larger stores and I steer you to the shoe department. I chose this store for several reasons. First, because they have an amazing collection of knee-high boots. Second, the shoe department sits fairly privately in the corner behind a large display of lingerie. And, third, because the employees are all young and mostly male.

You see the boots and I know that you understand. We pick through a dozen knee-high black leather boots and select a couple. Fairly quickly one of the guys working the shoe department comes over to see what we need. I can feel his eyes cut through your shirt and follow every curve of your breasts. He seems almost to sigh as he turns away and heads to the back to get your boots.

We sit down and I watch as your miniskirt rides up your thighs. You do nothing to stop it. Even from where I sit your sex is barely covered. With visible effort you keep your hands at your sides. It’s still tingling you say and I feel the shiver in your voice.

He brings the shoes back and sits in front of you. You slowly lift your right leg so that he can take off your sandal. As you do so I watch his eyes and I can feel the reflected lust as he sees your wet pussy for the first time. He unlaces your sandal. Your hand moves to your skirt and I wonder for a moment if you’re going to try to pull it down. But instead you ease it up to give him a better view. And to play with his mind. I remark that the service here is particularly attentive. You agree as you put down your right leg and lift your left. He now makes no attempt to hide his eyes. You softly and sensually put your hand inside your shirt and stroke your right nipple.

You stand to try on the boots. Both of us watch as you sway over to the mirror. The image of the miniskirt and knee-high boots is captivating. But you decide they are not quite what you are looking for. You come back and arrange your skirt high as he helps you out of the first pair and into the second. I ask him how he likes his job and he says that some days are just mind blowing.

You don’t like the second pair either, and you walk over to pick out yet another pair. As you pass him you run your hands through his hair and pass your fingers, now smelling permanently of your sex, over his lips.

As he goes to get the boots you tell me that your clit is not tingling like it was at first. I pull out the gel, and you cooperatively spread your legs and pull up your shirt. I move slowly and take my time spreading it. I am just finishing when he returns. I put it away without comment. You make no move to lower the skirt, but lift up your legs as he helps you put on the third pair of boots. I can’t decide whether you are having more fun showing yourself to him or he is having more fun watching.

These are better, you say, but you want to try them one size smaller. Actually, you say, you would like to try the first pair one size smaller as well. I say that you are a difficult shopper and cause a lot of trouble for the helpful employees. You remark that you don’t want to be a bother and, if he likes, you’d be happy to help him go get the boots. That is if I don’t mind excusing you for a moment. I say no, you’re being difficult and you need to make it up to him.

Both of you disappear into the back. Smiling I wait, my hard on growing. Before long you reappear but without any boots. I can see the flush on your cheeks and the hardness of your nipples barely covered by the thin material. Let’s buy the second pair, you say. Can you buy them for me? I’ll be with you shortly. You take something out of my coat pocket, give me a quick French kiss, and disappear.

I pay for the boots, ask the woman behind the counter to throw out the box, and count the number of condoms remaining in the pocket of my leather jacket.

You return in a few more minutes, now fully flushed, and give me one of your signature amazingly deep and sexual French kisses.

The night is off to a perfect start.

[Image credits: boot pictures are from Amiclubwear. I'm not sure where I found the other two pictures but both are seriously edited in photoshop.]

T-Shirt I'd Like to See More Of

2007-12-12T16:56:00.000-08:00

I found this a while back (no clue where at this point). What I need to do is print it on an iron-on transfer and make a t-shirt out of it ....

If I do then I promise I'll post that as an HNT ...

Breaking The Ice

2007-12-11T15:57:00.000-08:00

When you don't post often there is a temptation to feel that you have to make every post meaningful. It's like you have to have something deeply moving or earth-shakingly profound to say or you should not break the silence. Over time this self expectation becomes a kind of writer's block.

So to break the ice here is a nearly meaningless post.

Though I do like this picture. I found it on a flickr site of random amateur sexual pictures. I like the uninhibited sexuality of the couple kissing in the middle of the party. I'd like to be there just to see what happens next. I imagine others joining in and wonder just how wild the night gets ...

A Well Balanced 20 Year Old

2007-11-02T14:16:00.000-07:00

I think I am finally on the verge of being a well balanced 20 year old.

Just slightly behind schedule.

See it's like this. When I left home at age 18 I had three personal "challenges":

1. I had no confidence in my physical abilities. I am 6'4" and during the teen years I grew very fast. So fast that the nerve endings couldn't keep up. Or something. In any case I was hopeless at anything requiring physical dexterity. I was always picked last for any team sport. I could not excel at any non-brainy activity. For a guy this is a big deal.

2. I had no confidence with women. In seventh grade my Mom switched me to a school where I knew no one, and that kept girls and boys in separate classes. I'm naturally introverted. And not good at sports (see point 1...). Add it all up and I did not really have a girl friend until college.

3. I had issues with my mother. She is loving, deeply caring, extremely intelligent, and sacrificed hugely to give my sister and I a good life after my father left. But she has her own world view. She has many fears, almost no ambition, and a strong, very conservative sense of propriety. And when she wants to criticize she knows just how to get under my skin. It's some combination of her intelligence, years of observing her own mother, and the fact that, despite myself, I still care what she thinks about me. Even now when I'm around her I'm always on edge -- not sure when the knife will come out. It was much worse at age 18.

The good news is that I have been making progress over the years. I've run enough triathlons and done enough hard rock climbing that I'm declaring victory in the battle to have confidence in my physical abilities. So to the high-school quarterback, who got the cutest girls, all I want to say is come climbing with me this weekend and let's see how you do...

Socially I'm almost ready to declare victory as well. I can go to parties and open conversations with pretty much anyone I want. And come away with new friends. I manage a lot of people at work and I'm good at it. And I do well with our customers. This battle is not quite over yet, but I can see the path to winning it.

That just leaves my Mom. That one is harder. I do not think I could make her understand me. She has such a limited view of how life should be lived. And let's not even talk about her sexuality (she was taught not to hold hands in public ...). I do not know how to open up to her without getting slammed. And I do not know how to have a right relationship without opening up.

I think my goal here will simply to be able to tell her that I love her. Because I do. I just have trouble saying it. Strangely I have never had trouble saying it to women I was in love with. Or to my kids. But it's hard with members of my family.

So I'll finish with my social skills. And learn to tell my Mom that I love her.

Then at 44, or maybe 45 by the time I get that done, I'll be ready to be a well balanced 20 year old.

Better late than never.

Breaking News: Small Bay Area Earthquake

2007-10-30T20:31:00.000-07:00

The internet changes everything. A few minutes ago we felt an earthquake in the bay area. It was almost, but not quite, big enough to make us go outside. We've found people on chat from Santa Cruz to the mid-peninsula and everyone felt it. The strongest shaking we've found so far was a friend in San Jose near the airport. But no one we know has seen any damage. The USGS web site reports a magnitude 5.6 on the Hayward fault in the east bay.

Here's a similar story on how we deal with earthquakes in California.

Evil Riddle

2007-10-24T14:42:00.000-07:00

This one will drive you crazy. So if you know what's good for you don't read this post.

OK, you've been warned.

Three friends go to a Chinese restaurant in North Beach for dinner. The food is good but the wait is really long. At the end of the meal the bill comes and it's $75, so they each throw in $25. The waiter takes the money to the owner. The owner tells the waiter to knock off $5 to make up for the long wait. The waiter can't figure out how to divide $5 among three people so he pockets $2 and returns $1 to each of them with the restaurant's compliments.

So their expenses go from $75 to $72 (3 times $24). The waiter keeps $2. That's a total of $72 + $2 = $74.

Where did the last dollar go?

OK, I confess, the last dollar went here:

Well, there are worse places.

This picture no doubt originated here, but I must have found it somewhere else since I've never been a member.

Where do you feel sex?

2007-10-22T16:33:00.000-07:00

When you meet someone who really turns you on, where do you feel it? Does your head get dizzy? Do your knees go weak like in an old movie? Do you feel it in the pit of your stomach? Your pussy (or cock is you're a man)? Where does the sexuality first grab you?

I tend to feel an electric impulse on my skin that runs from my face down the front of my body to my cock and then out to my finger tips. Then, especially after she has just left, it moves up to my head and makes me light headed.

Now, when you start to get really turned on, and I mean when your world really starts to rock, where do you feel that? In your pussy or cock? Breasts? Does your head get dizzy? Do you float outside your body? Or are you fully invested in the feelings in your body where your lover is touching you?

I first feel in my head a deep sense of letting go of everything and being ready for anything. Then I start to float outside my body. But at the same time I never lose touch with the physical feelings. The main reason I describe it as floating is that if we are interrupted I can feel myself painfully crashing back to the reality of the earth. It's more like an altered, almost meditative, state of primeval consciousness where I am lost in the sexuality. No thought. No action. Floating. Being. Touching. Building.

Finally, where do you feel it when you come? And I don't mean a barely-there, sort-of come. I mean a mind-blowing, remembered for months orgasm. Where do you feel it and what does it feel like? Are there colors? Touches? Smells?

I feel it first in my cock and then my lower back. When sex is really good it spreads up my back. Like chills but one hundred times as intense. And when sex is great it's like hot, cold, electric warm chills that spread all the way up to the base of my neck. The stronger the orgism the higher they spread. And sometimes, very rarely, my partner runs her nails down my back at just the right time -- just as the sexual warm chills are ending but while the nerves are still super-sensitive. That can be just amazing -- like lightning at the tail end of a sunset.

If Then Sex

2007-10-01T09:09:00.000-07:00

If this is going to be a hot date then I want a low cut top. Real low. I want every man we pass trying to get a look at your breasts. And half of them to succeed.

If this is going to be a hot date then I want you wet all night. No thong. I want the taste of you on your fingers, and mine, all night long.

If you're gonn'a dance then I want to see you dance like you want to fuck me, and half the men in the place, hard and long. I know you like that.

If you want to play then pick a man who leaves you breathless. Who isn't afraid to touch you everywhere. And who's kiss sends you over the edge. Then pick another and see if the first is jealous.

If you want to be touched then come between us. I want four hands on you everywhere until you lose yourself in the sensations. And two hard cocks wedging you in until you beg for more.

If you want to fuck then open up and take it all night long. Take all we can give and beg for more. Be as insatiable as I know you can be with as many men as you want. Until you have been taken so hard and so long that even you collapse.

And when you are ready to go home, I will take you there and hold you gently as you sleep. For you are mine and I am yours forever.

Juxtaposition

2007-09-21T22:45:00.000-07:00

I was driving home tonight with my iPod playing. First I got Linkin Park from Queen of the Damned:

Why won't you die?
Your Blood in mine
We'll be fine
Then your body will be mine

Then I got Cat Stephens:

I'm follow'n a moon shadow
Moon shadow, moon shadow
Leap'n and hop'n on a moon shadow
Moon shadow, moon shadow

The price you pay for having broad musical tastes (and using shuffle mode).

But in a way it's not so strange. Remember Harold and Maude? It was a rather odd movie that circles around Cat Stephens' music. It was about a teen-age boy and an old woman who were obsessed with funerals and death. After running into each other at a number of funerals then ended up together - sexually and emotionally.

Not all that different, in a weird way, from Queen of the Damned.

But still, hearing one after another was a bit strange.

The other juxtaposition tonight was that my shopping list consisted of exactly two items: cat food and red bull. And we don't even own a cat.

But again it makes sense. There is nothing like a cat for frenetic energy in the middle of the night. And the red bull makes my wife sexy like a cat ...

From all of which I can only conclude that the stranger the juxtaposition the more sense it makes ...

I found this on flicker. I can't remember the photographer but I believe the model goes by 'slash suicide'. Most of the photos of her are urban to the point of being almost post-apocalyptic. What she's doing in the middle of this field I have no clue.

A Dozen Thanks

2007-09-17T14:27:00.000-07:00

My father passed away this summer.

There are so many posts I could write with that beginning.

But for today I just want to thank all the people who supported me. And there were so many who gave more than I had any reason to expect. Here are about a dozen that stand out in my memory:

One quiet college who came into my office unexpectedly to share the experience of his own father dying.

One who stood by me through every step and supported me in every possible way.

One who sent a heart-felt card - written front, sides, and back with memories of me as a child and thoughts about the death of her own father.

One who did not go to the funeral.

One who listened and was a friend - even though he didn't really have to.

Another who listened and talked while we climbed the walls.

One who has seen people die and told me not to worry that I was not there at his death bed - the real time you spend together in life is more important.

Two who talked to me in chat and really listened to my thoughts and words.

One who said but a few words but was a real support at a busy time.

Two others who came to me at the funeral and told me about times spent with my dad long ago - some before I was born.

Two kids who put with the worst the airlines could dish out with few complaints.

And many others I'm probably forgetting, or who just asked how they could help (and clearly meant it).

That's more than a dozen but who's counting...

I Need Two Women Sucking My Cock

2007-09-13T17:40:00.000-07:00

I'm having trouble with the whole question of what it means to have a sexual "need".

If I don't eat then I starve. If I don't drink then I die of thirst. If I don't have sex then I get a hard on.

Where's the need?

OK I can kind'a believe that I need affection, love, physical contact. Maybe I need sex. Maybe if I went without it for a month I might swear that I need it ...

But if I was in love with a sexually non-adventurous woman who was into missionary position once a week, but who loved me deeply, would I have a "need" for the kinkier aspects of sex?

I don't know. I've never actually known such a woman (though I'm sure they exist - I've seen them on TV).

Can I need to dominate or be dominated? Can I need anal sex? Rough sex? Public sex? Can I need to watch a man fuck my wife and then take her myself?

OK, I may want these things. I may even be obsessed with them from time to time. But "need"?

On the other hand, there is more to life than bread and water. I'm haunted by an image from last Saturday -- two women alternating French Kissing and sucking a guy's cock .... maybe I'm being too hard-nosed here ...

OK, fine. I have serious sexual needs ... I need two women sucking my cock. And I need them to French Kiss around it. Then I need them to take turns riding my cock while playing with each other's breasts.

Oh, and I need a convertible Porsche Boxster S to take them home in. Deep blue with a tan leather interior. Need ...

Marketing 101

2007-09-12T10:25:00.000-07:00

A scientist, a marketing executive, and an engineer were stranded on a desert island. One day they were walking on the beach and passed a number of dying fish washed up by the tide.

The scientist said, "I wonder if there is a red tide causing this?" and he went down to the ocean to investigate.

The engineer said, "Let's see, if I can find stones to make a fire ring, then driftwood to make a fire, and something to use for a pot then we can cook up these fish and have a good meal."

The marketing executive wrapped the dead fish in seaweed, cut them up, and then sold Sushi to the island's local inhabitants. He told them it was all the rage in Tokyo. He made so much money that he hired half the young women on the island for the night. Then he bought a boat from the chief and sailed home.

All of which goes to prove that I will never, ever, understand marketing ....

Crazy tragic, sometimes almost magic

2007-09-11T13:53:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I don't want to get out of bed. And I don't mean just because I stayed up way too late and drank too much. No, the really tough days are when there does not seem to be any reason to get out of bed - even when there is no sleep left for me. I have bipolar tendencies - some days and weeks I think I can do or be anything, and others I am in a mood best described as "nothing matters and what if it did".

I've always wondered if there is an "antidote" out there somewhere. Something I can read, listen to, or do on the 'bad' days that will put me into the frame of mind I have on the 'good' days. I'm not sure it exists. I'm coming to believe that the core of the difference is a change in brain chemicals that colors and warps all thoughts, images, and impulses in my brain.

Still, I have found a novel possibility for an antidote. It is a flicker photo stream with such a weird, creative, and colorful set of images that it reminds me of the song:

I love this crazy, tragic,
Sometimes almost magic,
Awful, beautiful life

Darryl Worley
Awful, Beautiful Life

I've pulled out a few of the sexier shots into this post but there are lots more.

Life in our world is, at its best, stranger, more beautiful, scarier, sadder, sexier, darker, more loving, and more colorful than we expect it to be, and than it is in our imagination, or even in our fantasies. The reason to get out of bed is to see, feel, and be a part of that. And, I think, the best reason to step outside yourself, to express more facets of yourself, and to make choices that are not always completely logical, is to see more sides and more parts of this awful beautiful world.

So I'm keeping the web address for Titus's World around. And the next time I don't want to get out of bed, I'll pull up my laptop and go through these slides again.

I'll let you know if they are actually inspirational to my brain in a depressed state ...

Losing My Virginity

2007-09-03T16:05:00.000-07:00

It occurred to me recently that I'm not sure when I lost my virginity.

Unusual problem I know but let me explain.

My early sexual experiences came in this order:

I explored a girl's body and played with her clit until she came. Then she put her hand on my cock and made me come. We spent a number of evenings together doing this - usually in the basement of her house or mine. At one point, when I arrived back home around 2:00am, my mom accused us of doing drugs. But it was all sex and rock-n-roll. (What was more of an issue was that the girl involved was not my girl friend - I had a different girlfriend at the time. I was young and foolish. But that's material for a whole other post...).
I gave and received oral sex from my girlfriend (different girlfriend by this time). She had done it before but I hadn't. That's one advantage or having a girlfriend older than you ...
I had anal sex. My girlfriend at the time was wild but catholic. She was determined to be a 'virgin' when she got married. And, in fact, I don't think she had vaginal sex until her wedding night. But she did everything else ...
I had good-old-fashion sex. While it was great, it wasn't the world-upside-down-life-changing experience that I think it is for some. Perhaps this was because of 1-3 above ...

So when did I lose my virginity? I guess you have to say it was only at step 4. But you have to admit it's not as obvious as it could be ....

Sprint Says I'm Socially Connected

2007-08-28T18:21:00.000-07:00

Sprint has built a quiz that tells you what kind of cell phone to get. Oh boy. I tried it and got:

Socially Connected

It’s no secret that you know how to have a good time, and people gravitate toward your fun-loving personality. Your friends, and you have a lot of them, all look to you to tell them about upcoming parties and the most happening clubs. You’re never too busy to grab dinner, catch a movie, or hang out with someone you know, and your phone is always ringing. Of course, you can’t be with all your friends, all the time, so your phone is the next best thing.

I feel so much more hip ....

What a lame quiz. But if you have to try it you can find it here.

Crossing the Line

2007-08-24T16:15:00.000-07:00

It's been a little tame around here recently and I'm in a mood, so let's talk about fantasies that cross the line into seriously naughty.

DP would be a start. Want to try it? To be really naughty you need a few others watching. Perfect thing to arrange at a place like Twist or Kiss. Would you like that? Two, or even three, guys in you at once with an audience to boot? Do you want me on top or on the bottom?

Speaking of Twist, I have another good fantasy there. Even though it's a couples party, there often seem to be guys hanging around watching the couples. I don't know if their women are playing with each other, or if they are busy with MFF with other couples. But the fantasy is this ... walk around upstairs topless and kiss all the single guys you can find. As you kiss them, invite them to come join you on one of the beds. Create a sensation. See how many of them you can fuck before the night is over. Let me watch each one and fuck you in between whenever I want.

An older fantasy, go to a place like Pleasure Zone that has a large dance floor and a lot of hot dancing. Wear a short mini-skirt with nothing under it. Dance sexy it in all night. Play with your hands under your skirt. Any time you find yourself dancing with a man, or a woman, pull their hand under your skirt onto your clit. Can you find someone who can make you come on the dance floor? Come find me periodically and let me know how many men or women have played with your clit so far. Can you get ten men's hands on you in one night?

A variant of this is to do the same thing at a 'normal' club where most people are not expecting seriously sexual dancing. Can you still get ten men inside you in one night?

Here's another. Start at a hot party in the city. Best would be somewhere like North Beach where there are lots of people around on the streets. Dance, play, and kiss inside the club. The hotter the better since it will get you ready for what's to come. Around midnight put on a short mini-skirt and plunging top -- nothing under either one. Drink a shot of Tequila. Leave the club and do not come back in until you fuck someone, man or woman, somewhere in the street. No cheating, I'll be watching.

Take a collection of sex toys to a swinger's party like Twist. Find men, or women to give them out to but they must all agree to two conditions: first, that the toys can only be used on you, and, second, that they can only fuck you if they succeed in making you come using their assigned toy. You must give out the toys randomly - no giving the rabbit to the cutest guy you can find ...

Find a dive with a pool table. You should wear a short mini-skirt (what else?). Attract as much attention as you can from the guys in the bar. Show teasing views of your breasts or thong on all shots. After warm up, we play with the following stakes:

First game you lose: you must take off your thong, bring it back and place it on the table.
First game I lose: you can kiss any guy in the bar for as long as you want.
Second game you lose: you must pull your skirt up high enough to show your pussy to at least one man on each subsequent shot. If many men are watching you need to be fair.
Second game I lose: you can choose one guy to give your email address to and arrange to fuck him the following week.
Third game you lose: you must wear a small butt plug the rest of the night and agree to do whatever I say (including fucking anyone I say or fucking no one).
Third game I lose: you can fuck one man of your choice per day for the subsequent week. Can be men from the bar or other men you know.

[Photo credits: I found these pictures so long ago that I have no clue now where I found them. There is a mark on the image from Misha Online. I can't tell if this series is still up though since it's a pay site that I've never had a membership to.]

Great Expectations

2007-08-24T12:16:00.000-07:00

Tom and Bob got their report cards. Both got B's and C's. Bob went home and played baseball. Tom knew he should be getting A's. He fumed all the way home, locked himself in his room, and punched a hole in the wall. His parent's sent him to bed without supper (for the hole in the wall not for the grades). The next semester Bob got B's and C's. Tom got mostly A's. His parents happily put the extra wall-board away in the basement.

Tom grew up to be a university professor. Bob works at McDonnald's.

What's my point? You do not achieve anything unless you start with high expectations. You do not achieve greatness unless you start with unrealistic expectations.

Frustration is part of the process. It's a necessary part of the process - it's the thing that forces you to go back and do better. And to keep trying until you get it right.

So I'll keep my damn expectations, I'll take the frustration, and I'll get better.

This is my own choice, my own problem, and no one is going to take it away from me.

I So Have to Have This

2007-08-23T10:27:00.000-07:00

A must have for everyone who ever played with legos. The video is worth a thousand words ....

To order the book go here.

Pale Fire

2007-08-22T10:58:00.001-07:00

This is a very cool internet quiz found by Devil Blue Dress -- in a virtual world getting more and more crowded with quizes. Six rather weird questions but the answer is, well, interesting ....

You're Pale Fire!

by Vladimir Nabokov

You're really into poetry and the interpretation thereof. Along the road of life, you have had several identity crises which make it very unclear who you are, let alone how to interpret poetry. You probably came from a foreign country, but then again you seem foreign to everyone in ways unrelated to immigration. Most people think you're quite funny, but maybe you're just sick. Talking to you ends up being much like playing a round of the popular board game Clue.

Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

Googlism

2007-08-20T18:25:00.000-07:00

I just saw the googlism post by lilbit and I had to see what would come up for "Lestat". In the interest of brevity I deleted a few entries but I didn't make any of this up:

lestat is not throwing a christmas party this year
lestat is not a klatsch
lestat is so in trouble
lestat is going hollywood
lestat is supposed to have a baby
lestat is given the chance to be a mortal man again
lestat is a creature of the darkest and richest imagination
lestat is appreciated for the hero he is
lestat is a rockstar
lestat is the absolute best
lestat is probably the character i most identify with in my day to day being
lestat is confronted by his creator
lestat is in such despair that he trades his immortal body to a con man named raglan james
lestat is playing out
lestat is a vampire you soon learn to love
lestat is shown as a compassionate vampire and yet still a vampire
lestat is the lifeblood of "interview"
lestat is currently holding open auditions for a new vocalist
lestat is as good as a god compared to buffy
lestat is doing anything less than exactly what he wants to
lestat is based upon her husband
lestat is exquisitely dressed in french clothing
lestat is one of rice's most complex and popular literary alter egos
lestat is a full force narrator
lestat is invited to drink christ's blood
lestat is the "man of action" who often acts upon a whim
lestat is bored and lonely
lestat is sumptuously dressed in rich red velvet and lavishly trimmed in gold braid and lace
lestat is a poor french aristocrat in the 17th century transformed into a vampire by a mysterious benefactor while he is in paris with his self destructive
lestat is not a creature to be trifled with
lestat is as decadent and depraved as the next guy
lestat is a brilliant book and the character lestat is complex and interesting
lestat is glorified as a rock star with slutty groupies swooning over his every move
lestat is out there
lestat is able to do what no other vampire has been able to for thousands of years
lestat is powerful
lestat is searching for dora
lestat is surrounded by mortals in this tale
lestat is incredibly effective
lestat is abandoned to the long
lestat is 11 months old in picture scroll down for pedigree
lestat is put into the swamp
lestat is more than just a created character to me
lestat is at first attracted to the beautiful young louis in eighteenth century new orleans
lestat is incredibly vain and wants to be famous
lestat is something of a rock star
lestat is my most elegant garment
lestat is played by stuart townshed
lestat is so unhappy he wants to find other vampires
lestat is dead
lestat is playing the harpsichord rapidly and exuberantly
lestat is the best protagonist/antagonist i could think of
lestat is the only character who displays some sort of emotion
lestat is close to losing his reason
lestat is a character that you will definitely become attached to and feel for
lestat is also growing fascinated with the dealer's lovely daughter
lestat is the truly alive
lestat is awakened by the sound of neo
lestat is a marvelous
lestat is less than stellar
lestat is a three with a four wing
lestat is sexier than jordan's lestat and i love it
lestat is very much the gentleman
lestat is taken to armond's estate where he comes apon a room where the stone trapped body of akash
lestat is the perfect entity to tap into goth rock subculture
lestat is up to his old tricks
lestat is not only a bratty vampire but also a world famous rock star

Things to Remember in Bed - Personal Notes

2007-08-14T13:27:00.000-07:00

Back rubs are good. As are sensual touches on the hands, feet, neck, shoulders, thighs, lower back, ...
Make her your universe.
Slow down. Whatever you are doing will be better if you do it half as fast for twice as long.
When in doubt get out toys.
Make sure she is relaxed. This has many components and can take some time.
Make sure he is relaxed. This is just as complex and is often overlooked if he is the one doing the seduction.
Pay attention to her body. Know when she is wet.
Pay attention to his body. But look in his eyes to see how excited he is.
Sometimes a hard, fast fuck is hot. But more often what she really wants is long slow seduction until she can't stand it any more.
Balance who comes first.

Picture credit: this is another flicker shot. I've got to find some way to keep track of the photographer on these.

To My Daughters

2007-08-13T09:51:00.000-07:00

Over the weekend I had a chance to talk to my twelve year old daughter about sex - always a dicey prospect. Not the mechanics - I'll leave that discussion to my wife and to sex education. I was trying to talk about the much more important questions of what it means and how to think about it.

Here I want to capture what I think I said, so that I can look back in twenty years and see if it did any good. And it might be that someone reading might know of something else critical I should have said (or that I should go back and say).

1. Don't be in a hurry to date. Some start dating at 14, or earlier, some wait until 18, or later. It doesn't matter. The people who start early might think they're cool but you all end up in the same place in the end.

2. Don't ever let a boy make you believe that any sexual activity is required to be their boyfriend. It isn't, and anyone who says it is is not someone you want as a boyfriend.

3. My parents taught me that sex should wait until marriage. This is a good goal but it may not be realistic today. When I was old enough to think about sex, my decision was to wait until I was with someone I intended to marry. But this is an area where everyone is different. Again, don't be in a hurry to do anything. There is always time.

4. As you start to date and go to parties, you are also likely to run into drugs. This is the one area where we have zero tolerance. Neither your mom or I ever did drugs (unless you count alcohol) and we expect the same of you. I had friends who did many kinds of drugs. It didn't affect our friendship but I never wanted to scramble my brains in that way.

5. As you start to kiss, and go beyond kissing, you will find yourself very vulnerable emotionally. The strength of the emotions will surprise you (even if you remember this warning it will still surprise you). You will find that if your boyfriend hurts you it will hurt to a depth you have not felt before. Make sure you are with someone you trust (I should have added that all such hurts pass with time).

On writing this it occurs to me that I should add a couple of points whenever I get another chance:

6. My daughter's attitude right now seems to be that she will wait on sex until she is married (she's 12 remember). I don't want to be challenging that, but I do want to make sure that if she ever modifies her position (which is likely after all) that she understands the importance of safe sex and that she can always come to us for help.

7. Some people seem to take too literally the adage that "All's fair in love and war". In my view this is crap. Do not cheat, do not lie, do not steal. Treat everyone fairly and with honesty and compassion. This goes doubly in romantic situations where everyone's emotions are high. If you are in a committed, exclusive relationship then finish it (one way or another) before moving to another. And, don't put up with any boys who do not have the same attitude - they aren't worth it.

Finally, a friend asked the other day what I would say to my daughters about some of the non-traditional sexual activities that are contemplated elsewhere in these pages. This is something I do not intend to discuss with my daughters - at least not for many, many years. But if it did somehow come up, my answer would be that if they get to a point where they have been married for a decade plus, and they reach a point where they believe that nothing above, on, or under this earth could separate them from their husband, then some amount of non-traditional sexual play could add spice and excitement to their lives. But that they should be prepared for another round of unexpectedly powerful and complex emotions, and several rounds of many hour conversations...

The Perfect Woman

2007-08-06T21:47:00.000-07:00

Browsing an old diary, I recently found my description of the perfect woman. At least as I saw it in January 1988. The date is significant since I met my wife in March of that year. I've preserved this exactly as I wrote in in the diary (resisting the temptation to edit):

Mature in the sense of accepting responsibility and using her mind.
Strong - not breaking under pressure.
Creative and interesting. Alive.
Serious view of marriage.
Wanting to have children.
Kinky view of sex (at least within a serious relationship).
Honest with herself and others.
Definite - knowing what she wants.
Communicative - especially in relationships.
Someone I can communicate with and understand deeply.
Pretty (beautiful would be nice).
Warm

I'm happy to say that my wife does really well under these criterion. And I think my requirements document was pretty damn close to the mark...

That Is

2007-08-05T22:43:00.000-07:00

I haunt the sacred grove that is,

Fog wind above,
Fire black on ageless wood,
Birds everywhere unseen.

I haunt the sacred grove that is,

Wind blows fog from unseen seas through branches far above,
Black soot from ancient fire marks trunks and knurled stumps,
Bird song comes from all around but the singers remain unseen.

I haunt the sacred grove that is.

I wrote this several years ago, before I ever had the concept of a blog, after a long walk to a small grove of old-growth redwoods. The photograph is mine. Click for the large version (much better).

You Like It and You Know It

2007-07-30T16:31:00.000-07:00

A recent chat (somewhat edited but the spirit remains):

Her (to him): you ever come on a woman's back?
Her (to him): and rub it into her skin?
Him: uh
Her (to him): I'd let you...
Him: i dunno. Can't recall
Her (to him): and then go to the gym that way.
Him: now that is a good idea
Him: makes my balls tingle

Her (to me): flirting...
Her (to me): sexually.
Her (to me): I'm an slut
Her (to me): wench.
Me: you are all those things
Me: no wonder you're so slow to reply about oak trees
Her (to me): you need to plan a photo session for tonight.
Her (to me): with me in tight shorts.
Me: Hey, I just remembered that you wouldn't let me come on you this morning
Me: Think I'll get jealous
Me: Of couse I fucked you instead ....
Me: So maybe not
Me: You're just a problem child
Me: and I do love you
Her (to me): Yes I am
Me: Trying to get back to work but I keep flashing to you flirting
Me: you are such a problem
Me: Did you go back to work too or are you still playing?
Her (to me): both
Her (to me): and you like it.

OK I like it. But many people, and to an extend this includes my wife, think I'm crazy. What is the attraction of your wife flirting sexually with other men?

I have a number of theories.

I love seeing her sexuality from a distance. It gives a whole new perspective that you can't get when you are in the middle of the flirting, or dancing, or kissing, or ... I can see her as a whole and see her as she appears to others. And she is way hot.

There is also a certain macho attraction of being able to say that we are so solid in our relationship that she can play and there is no possibility that we'll be pulled apart (Can you say that about your relationship? And if so what's your wife's phone number? Dare you.)

There is also the reality that life is short. There are an entire universe of fantasies that become possible when you loosen up the rules (and who made these rules anyway?). If there is a guy she finds sexy then why shouldn't she flirt with him and kiss him? She could do it if she was single. What's the possible harm? We'll be married the rest of our life, so unless you believe in reincarnation, you either loosen up or you forever foreclose the possibility of a lot of fun.

But I don't think any of these are the real reason.

The real reason is the taboo itself. The taboo against being in a life-long deeply committed relationship but still experimenting sexually. It's "wrong" but, if done right, hurts no one. It is so against what we've been taught that the very taboo makes it hot.

It's the same reason that sex in public is hot. But ten times more so.

It's hot like fire. So hot that I don't want to do it too often or the thrill might fade. But at the right frequency it flips out my mind and makes me hard for days ...

Photo credits: both of these are from flicker streams but I, unfortunately, didn't keep track of the photographer. Great shots though. Even better full size so make sure you click.

Change of Perspective

2007-07-19T17:06:00.001-07:00

Suddenly being a teddy bear does not seem like such a bad deal ....

Dutch model Georgina Verbaan

Why I Want to Color My Hair and Pierce My Nipples

2007-07-13T16:14:00.000-07:00

Blogs tend to have a short life span. I have not been able to find any hard facts on what that life span is, but people seem to throw around "3 months" as the average life span of a blog.

Bloggers generally live longer than three months (we hope). So what happens? Do they get tired of blogging? Do they decide it is a waste of time and throw their laptop out the window? Do they move on to become habitual computer gamers?

Not likely. The much more common scenario is that they start a new blog. And then another. And another. How many bloggers do you know with just one blog? (Know well that is - often the multiple blogs are not linked together in any obvious way.)

Why do bloggers create new blogs? Why not stay with the old one? Why leave behind readers and friends?

Many answers are possible, but I think the real reason is that each blog is a two-dimensional projection of the much more complex creature that is the blogger. Each blog develops a personality and a readership - an identity. And that identity, inevitably, only captures a small part of the identity of the blogger.

Think of a complex four-plus dimensional mathematical shape. Then take one plane cutting through this complex shape. The projection of the full shape onto the plane may be interesting. It may involve multiple lines, circles, and colors. But it will never capture the full four-dimensional shape.

The complex shape is the blogger and the planer projection is the blog. The blog may be cool, but eventually the blogger will want to move on, take a different cutting plane, and work with a different set of lines, colors, and circles.

Now consider the image you project to your family. This image is also a projection of the full complexity that is you. You only show your family a part of who you are. You project to them a "you" that is more complex than a blog, but is still just a projection, maybe a three-dimensional projection, of the "you" that exists in a complex, eternal, multi-dimensional space.

This is also true of the "you" that you project to any group of your friends, co-workers, job, hobby, etc.

Even the physical appearance that is "you" - your hair color, eye color, build, clothing style, piercings, tattoos, etc. - is but one possible projection of the true complexity that is "you". This must always be true no matter how hard you work on your physical appearance - you simply have too much complexity and richness in your soul to ever fit all that into a single physical manifestation.

Many other projections - involving different hair color, piercings, tattoos, or what have you - would be just as meaningful. And, over the course of your life, I don't see any reason why you should not work through several different physical identities - just as a blogger works through several blogs.

If you work through several "phases" of your life, several physical appearances, several careers, people will say you are "finding yourself" - or worse that you don't know who you are.

I think it can be, rather, a sign that you are in touch with your real complexity as a multi-dimensional being, and you know that any physical appearance is a highly incomplete three-dimensional projection of "you".

So I reserve the right to change my hair color, and to change it back, to be in shape or overweight, to pierce any part of my body, and then to take the piercing out forever. To change my job, my career, and what is usually called my self-identity.

And none of the identities will ever add up to even a fraction of the "me" that exists timelessly in multi-dimensional space.

Hot and Wet

2007-07-12T13:32:00.000-07:00

Flickr is known for censoring 'adult' pictures, but sometimes interesting photo streams seem to get by. Here is one I found today - I've always had a thing for hot and wet women. Click on either photo for more.

What I Learned in the Caribean

2007-07-05T17:38:00.000-07:00

1. Sometimes the best way to get her into a sexual mood is to do nothing. This requires more patience than any human male possesses.

2. Tea lights will last through almost exactly one week of sexual play. This assumes you don't use them during the day and always blow them out before falling asleep.

3. You can have sex with tea lights lit and curtains open many times, even if you are on the first floor near the beach, and not get thrown off the resort. This may only be true on French islands.

4. If you tell her that you want her to flirt with another man, the next question may be whether you want a threesome. That night. And the next.

5. Romanian strippers are hot. Oh yea.

6. No one looks at the title of the book you are reading. Or the cover. It doesn't matter how out-of-control it is. Sometimes people are way too hard to scandalize.

7. The beach is incredibly beautiful at sunrise. Or at least it would be if you were ever awake to see it.

8. Miami airport sucks.

9. Parts of your body that never see the sun will sun burn. Real quick. SPS 30 is not enough.

10. After an hour on a nude beach the naked people look normal. You start to wonder why the others have odd bits of cotton and polyester hanging off their bodies. At this point you earn the right to call the people wearing clothes "textiles".

[Picture credits: The first one is mine. The second I found somewhere on the net but I have no record of where.]

What a Difference a Year Makes

2007-06-18T10:16:00.000-07:00

One year ago I was not blogging (my anniversary comes up in August). But if I had been I would have been posting a hell of a lot. My wife and kids were out of town for a few days in June 2006 and I wrote her a 14 page letter. That's 14 pages in 11 point font...

So many things were bothering me then about where our relationship was, where it was going, what the hell we were doing, why we were doing it, whether there were things she was not telling me, why my intuition was keeping me from sleeping.

This year it's June again and my wife and kids are out of town for a few days. I'm going out with friends, working on ideas for future startups, doing yard work, and repainting the bathroom.

I'm looking at our relationship and thinking how badly out of perspective I was to worry that anything could ever threaten it.

All of this is good for me but not so great for my blog. I'll try to write more, really I will. But in the mean time know that it's all good. Otherwise there'd be fire here.

A Dream

2007-06-06T17:11:00.000-07:00

I am kneeling. Naked in a gray light. My love is under me. Her lips playing with my cock. Slow, sensual, wet.

We are on a soft platform but I can't make out the shape. Thin transparent curtains partially surround us. Other people are near by. Some watching. Some passing by. I can't make out their faces and I pay them little attention.

My love says "Someone has joined us". I cannot see him but somehow I know a man has come behind me. I can feel her pelvis moving. Responding to his touch on her clit. Her tongue becomes more urgent. Her movements more passionate.

A woman is near by. Sometimes I notice her touch me lightly - like I'm made of porcelain and she wants to make sure I'm real. I grab her arm. Pull her in and kiss her. She is hesitant at first but opens to me as I play with her lips and her tongue. My hand works its way under her shirt - finding her nipple as we kiss.

My love begins to move more forcefully and the man behind me is closer. I sense rather than know that he has penetrated her. She fucks him, matching his rhythm, but never losing her stroke on my cock.

He thrusts harder. She cries out as he comes. I pinch the woman's nipple and she cries out in unison. My love takes me deep into her throat. The world explodes and I remember no more.

Visualize This - Adult Version

2007-06-04T17:31:00.000-07:00

Now let's make things a bit more ... interesting. Clear your mind once again and consider this:

You and your significant other are at a happen’ng night spot. The music is pounding and the crowd is hot. The women on the floor are showing all that PG-13 allows and then some. The guys are firm and stylish. A couple to the side of the floor is coming as close as you’ve ever seen to having sex to the music fully clothed.

You have an overwhelming desire to (click one):

A. Call Rush Limbaugh, Newt Gingrich, or Pat Robertson (whichever one of the three had the fewest affairs). Family values are at stake here and the American Way is under siege.

B. Hide somewhere in the back of the crowd. Your khaki dockers do not fit in and you are sweating right through your undershirt and onto your oxford broadcloth.

C. Ditch your SO and come back alone. That blond is hot and she/he winked at you twice already!

D. Get your SO a drink and then get on the damn dance floor. Bump, grind, play, maybe flirt a little. Then take him or her home and fuck the hell out of ‘em (with images still in your head of that incredible guy/girl who almost made you cum on sight).

E. (guys version) Get you woman a couple of stiff drinks. Dare her to be wilder than she has ever been. Unbutton her shirt and toss her bra. Dance right in front of a hot guy. Whisper in her ear that you want her to French Kiss him. Tell her she can do whatever she wants tonight and the more she does the harder you’ll be. For a week.

(woman’s version) Get your man a stiff drink. Ask him how wild he wants you to be. Ask him his naughtiest exhibitionist fantasy. Unbutton your shirt, lose your bra, and play with your nipples to make them stand up. Find a hot guy, dance with him. Fuck him virtually on the floor, then French Kiss him. Make sure you guy is watching as you guide his hand inside your shirt and onto your breast. Tell him this is only the beginning of what he can see tonight.

F. Find that sexy couple on the side of the floor. Dance sexually right next to them. Flirt and seduce them into swapping partners. Go back to a hotel with them and play all night.

Visualize This

2007-05-31T14:36:00.000-07:00

Clear your mind for a moment of your plans, schemes, worries, fantasies, and dreams. Visualize only this:

You stand by the shore of a large lake. The sun warms your face but the breeze off the lake is fresh and sweet. Small waves roll by your feet and minnows play in the shallows. Further off-shore, the wind blows foam off the tops of the waves making short irregular tracks like the prints of some giant invisible bird.

Along the dock are a number of sailboats making ready to get underway. Several boats are already on the lake – healed over, sails full, flying o'er the water kicking up spray.

You feel an irresistible compulsion to (click one):

A. Head back to your car and get on the road. You have things to do and promises to keep.

B. Comb your hair and redo your makeup. Wind is murder on your perm and the sun is so drying.

C. Find a sketch pad and draw. The boats, the sky, the blues and greens in the waves. Anything to catch the spirit of that moment, that day, and its wind.

D. Run up and down the dock begging to join the crew of one of the boats. Promise to take on any menial task just to get out on the water.

To be fair I should admit that I left out one choice (because I knew you would all click this one and ignore the others):

E. Find a pair of binoculars and scan the boats for a sexy member-of-the-opposite-sex. When their boat is close by, jump into the water and feign drowning.

Photo from here.

Sights and Sounds of Beijing

2007-05-17T19:52:00.000-07:00

One

Walking around the lake at the “Summer Palace”. This used to be the private retreat of the emperor. Now it swarms with bunches of tourist. Each bunch following a leader carrying the proper color flag and speaking their own language – German, French, Japanese, and others.

“Mister, you want Olympic t-shirt? I give you good price.”

I ignore him and keep walking.

“Look, red, white, Olympic special. Best price.”

I ask him the price. 120 yuan – about $15. This is more than the 90 yuan that the shirt cost at the official souvenir stores. I say no I don’t want it and keep walking. He follows me for what seems like ¼ mile. I realize that asking the price was a big mistake.

“What you want pay? Give me your bottom price. I give you for 100 yuan.”

The price keeps falling. I ask him if he’s going to walk with me all the way around the lake. Finally his price reaches 60 yuan so I buy (I later had a different kid offer me one for 30 yuan – you never know what a ‘good price’ is in China). I give him a 100 yuan note and he gives me 40 yuan change. Then:

“Mister, this note torn. You have another?”

He shows me a 100 yuan note with a torn corner. So I take it back and give him another.

It is after he is gone that I realize I was conned. Sure enough, when I try to spend the note with the torn corner it is counterfeit (“fake money”). He switched the bills and handed me back a ‘fake’ bill with a torn corner.

So for 160 yuan I got a t-shirt and a lesson in Chinese currency.

Two

A taxi ride across town. More cranes than I’ve ever seen in one city. And high-rise buildings of every color and shape. Round, oval, triangular, traditional Chinese, traditional western, modern pyramids, cylinders, dynamic angles around cylinders, neon lights on the angles, giant Chinese characters lit for night. They go on for miles. There is no Manhattan-like city center. This is a city of 30 million – more than the entire state of California.

20 years ago this city had food rationing and almost no lights. It shut down after dark and the approved dress was a drab gray Mao jacket.

Three

The “silk street” market. This used to be an actual street with street vendors hawking their wares. Now it’s a 5 story building but the feel is the same. The aisles are narrow and the sellers aggressive.

“Mister, look, Armani, I give you good price.”
“Mister, sun glasses, you want sun glasses?”
“Silk, come, feel quality.”

Some touch our arms or shoulders as we pass. Others actually block the aisle or try to grab my arm. It is annoying but quickly fades to background noise. I button the pocket where I keep my wallet.

Finally I see a dragon shirt in traditional Chinese style. I ask the price – 100 yuan. I say I want to keep looking at other stores.

“OK, 80. What is your price? You tell me price.”

I walk off. I really do want to look at the other stalls. The last price I hear just before I’m out of earshot is 50 yuan.

Later we go back. She remembers me and pulls out the shirt. 80 yuan she says. I say what about 50 yuan. “I was just joking” she says. ‘Just joking’. Sometimes I think these street vendors have a better command of English than the masters-level computer programmers I’m hiring for my China team…

We start talking her down. We walk off twice more and let her call us back. After much work the price is down to 55 yuan. I finally give up and pay 55. The 5 yuan difference being about 70 cents US.

Four

Another store. I find a set of four wolf-hair brushes – the kind used in traditional Chinese painting. We negotiate to a 50 yuan price. But when I try to pay, he says my 50 yuan note is ‘fake’. I try to remember where I got that one but I can’t. Probably a different stall in the market. Annoyed I give him back the brushes and keep the note.

A few minutes later we find a set of five brushes at a different stall. My Chinese friend helps negotiate the woman there down to 50 yuan. I give her the same 50 yuan note and she takes it without question. So for the same money I get a set of five brushes instead of four.

Five

It’s been very windy yesterday and today. Seems appropriate given the rate of change here. Twenty years ago there was food rationing. Foreign goods could only be bought at the “Friendship Store” – which you could only enter if you had an international passport and foreign currency.

Now there are restaurants and grocery stores everywhere. Neon lights. Creative architecture. 5000 cars a day are added to the streets of Beijing. The cranes building new sky scrapers never stop moving. The rate of change makes the US, or Europe, look somewhere between stable and stagnant.

But I wonder where all of this has left the soul of the country. Communism swept away traditional Chinese culture – Confucianism, Taoism, Buddhism, and the traditional Chinese family. But Communism is all but gone. And nothing has been put in its place except perhaps transplanted American-style consumerism.

15 floors down from my hotel room window a group does Tai Chi in the street in the early morning. The traditional music they play on their boom box floats up to my open window.

What do the people of China believe in now? What becomes the new cultural identity?

Six

The sound of the wind as recorded yesterday in downtown Beijing.

powered by ODEO

The pictures, and the wind recording, are mine.

What I have learned in Beijing

2007-05-15T04:47:00.000-07:00

1. Beijing can get hot in the May. Well over 80 Fahrenheit. Would not have expected that given how cold it is in the winter.

2. In this part of town, called the Silicone Valley of Beijing because of all the universities and high tech companies, the style of dress is indistinguishable from California - including perhaps more hot women in tight jeans and mini-skirts. If you erased the Chinese characters you might not be able to tell photographs of the two apart (except there is more construction here).

3. If you were blindfolded you could easily tell the two apart because the air quality here is much worse. Some serious work is needed on pollution control...

4. There are a hell of a lot of people here. I was told that 5000 cars are added to the streets a day. Greater Beijing has 30 million people. And they all work. Hard. I've never seen so much construction.

5. The 2008 Olympics will be very cool. The main stadium is a huge nest of steel. Now I can see why they can't find steel for bridge repair in San Francisco...

An artist conception of the main stadium is above. But the real thing is much more impressive - if only because of the visceral impression of the shear size of the thing. And there is other building going on all over the city getting ready for the Olympics. Should be very impressive when it comes together next year.

6. Don't try the jelly fish. Most of the other food was fine -- even the "tree ear" (which is some sort of fungus that grows on trees) and the chicken that looks back at you (why do they have to cook the head?). But I'd advise skipping the jelly fish.

Sexy Songs That Haunt My Mind

2007-05-10T14:31:00.000-07:00

Music is tied into my sexuality at a deep level. In fact, some night of sexual debauchery can be tied directly to particular songs playing at the right (wrong?) time. Lil bit recently published a cool list of sexy songs. Here are some of the songs and lyrics that haunt my brain (minor poetic license taken on some lyrics).

Aerosmith - Deuces Are Wild. "I love you 'cause your deuces are wild, child, like a double shot of loving so fine."
Big&Rich - Save A Horse (Ride A Cowboy). "I sang her every Willy Nelson song I could think of, and we made love ..."
Bodyrockers - I Like the Way. "... but most of all ... I like the way you move ..."
Bon Jovi - Lay Your Hands on Me. "If you want to open your body you first have to open your mind"
Cheap Trick - Tonight It's You. "All I need is someone to love and tonight it's you"
Depeche Mode - Precious. "Precious and fragile things need special handling"
Destiny's Child - Jumpin, Jumpin. "Laddies leave your man at home, the club is full of ballers ..."
Foreigner - Hot Blodded. "Come on baby, do you do more than dance?"
Frankie Goes to Hollywood - Relax. "Relax, don't do it, when you want to come..."
Heart - Crazy On You. "If we still have time we might still get by ..."
Jilian - I Wanna Let Go. "We're both completely naked, we both barely make it to the room..."
The Kinks - Lola. "I'd left home just a week before and I'd never ever kissed a woman before ..."
Lola - No Strings. "Baby let's have sex, no strings attached..."
Love And Rockets - So Alive. "Don't know what color your eyes are baby but your legs are long and brown ..."
Narcotic Thrust - I Like It. "I like it when we go to extremes, I like it when you dance in my dreams..."
Nelly Furtado - Promiscuous. "Promiscuous girl you're teasing me, you know what I want and you've got what I need"
Nina Sky - Turnin' Me On. "I've never been so attracted to a stranger. Don't know if this is wrong but don't mind a bit of danger."
The Pussycat Dolls - Don't Cha. "Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me"
Ray J - Sexy. "You looks so-o sexy"
Rihanna - Pon de Replay. "Hey Mr. DJ turn the music on I wanna dance with my baby..."
Robert Palmer - Irresistible. "She's so fine there's no telling where the money went ..."
Rupee - Tempted to Touch. "Tempted to touch, tempted to touch, little woman girl I need you so much..."
Shakira - Hips Don't Lie. "My hips don't lie and I'm starting to feel you boy"
Scissor Sisters - Take Your Mama. "If the music ain't good well that's just too bad, we're gonna sing along no matter what"
Steve Miller Band - Jungle Love. "Jungle love in the surf and the pouring rain, every thing's better when wet"
3LW - Leave Wit You. "I think I'm the girl you came here for, if you can get me..."
Willa Ford - I Wanna Be Bad. "I wanna be bad, you make bad look so good. I got things on my mind I never thought I would."

A to Z

2007-05-08T22:11:00.000-07:00

Life this month has settled down to 'normal' stress -- like how do I keep my job and get my pre-teen daughter to calm down the social drama. This is a good thing actually, I was ready for some normality, but it makes for pretty vanilla blogging.

So instead of telling you about all that, I'll take Mr. Z's A-Z tag. It's an interesting quiz in any case....

A- Available or Single? Available for sex. Available for friendship. Taken for romance. (Well you wanted honesty didn't you ...)
B - Best Friend? My wife.
C - Cake or Pie? I'm with Mr. Z on this one "Define Pie..."
D - Drink of Choice? Red wine. Cab. Or a good margarita. Depends on mood.
E - Essential Item(s)? Tequila and condoms. I still remember the amused look on the cashier's face the last time this was the entire contents of my shopping basket.
F - Favorite Color? Blue. Like the sky in Taos, New Mexico.
G - Gummi Bears or Worms? Neither. Bleh.
H - Hometown? Atlanta, GA (but not in a long time).
I - Indulgence? Sex. Chocolate. Licking chocolate off a woman's breast ...
J - January or February? January. New year -- anything is possible.
K - Kids? I am vaguely aware that there are some short people in the house.
L - Life is incomplete without… My wife.
M - Marriage Date: May 22.
N - Number of Siblings: One.
O - Oranges or Apples? Oranges. Best picked from a tree in the back yard -- early memory from visiting grandparents in Florida.
P - Phobias/Fears: Too many to mention.
Q - Favorite Quote: "The gods envy us." Said by Brad Pitt, playing Achilles, in the movie Troy. I wish I could remember the rest of the quote but the gist of it is that since we can die we value life and live it infinitely more intensely than the immortal gods.
R - Reasons to Smile? We get a new president in 2008.
S - Season? Summer time and the living's easy...
T - Tag Three: not gonna. It's a cool quiz though so if you're reading make a copy and fill it out.
U - Unknown Fact About Me: These are getting harder to think of with each quiz. How about my answer to "V" below.
V - Vegetarian or Oppressor of Animals? I do not eat mammals. People look at me strangely when I say this. But how many of you eat humans? monkeys? The way I look at it the farther you can get away from your own spot in the family tree of evolution the better. If you don't believe me then find a fish that has mad cow disease :).
W - Worst habits? Biting my finger nails in business meetings. Really not kosher...
X - X-rays or Ultrasounds? Ultrasound. X-rays make my skin glow in the dark and then I can't sleep.
Y - Your Favorite Foods: Anything that can be served with red wine or margaritas...
Z - Zodiac: Aries.

Hammers, Saws, and Black Ties

2007-05-06T07:51:00.000-07:00

For the last year I've been deeply preoccupied with sex and relationship issues. The sex has been amazing. But we've also had complex interpersonal puzzles to work out (which both cause and result from the sexual changes and challenges). At other times I've been afraid that I (or we) are doing damage to a relationship that is the cornerstone of my life. Between the attraction of the sex, the intrigue of puzzles, and the siren call of the fear, my mind has been drawn to sexuo-relationship thoughts and worries to the exclusion of most else.

This tight focus makes it hard to keep perspective. Little issues seem big, and big issues are invisible because I'm too close to them.

Until the last year I've always had a number of simultaneous home-improvement projects in the works (my wife would say too large a number at any one time...). I've decided it's time to pick those back up. This weekend I'm rebuilding a deck. Which works out well because the weather is great this time of year. And our neighbor had a party yesterday with a live band so I had free music to work by.

And it's all good. I realize that we've worked out a lot of issues - both deep issues around our sexual relationship and questions about what we want sexually from other people. I'm at peace with it all now in a way I have not been for a long time, and that lets me refocus on other parts of my life. At the same time, working on something else let me step back from the sexuo-relationship issues and return to them with something like perspective.

Of course this does leave me with less material for blogging - anyone want to read out how to build a deck? Didn't think so :|.

Finally, I should add that we've been having a great time watching the "Black Tie Night" series. It's not really porn -- the sex scenes involve hot women but it's all at the "R-rated" level of breasts, shaved clits, and simulated sex. But the plot is engaging and the characters are likable (in a TV sort of way). The best part is that it's sex without violence. And, for me, it's a good transition from construction work to play in the bedroom...

Picture taken from the rather strange collection here.

Hands Turn to Velvet

2007-04-27T13:45:00.000-07:00

Your hands turn to velvet with a touch
The light plays across your soft olive skin
Flirting with your breasts.

I touch them lightly
But still you jump
Despite yourself
So sensitive.

You push down against my cock
Lining it up with your clit
Holding hands as you play
As you dance
As you cum.

Taking you from above
Moving harder, faster
Kissing
Biting your lip
As I cum.

Tales of ski lift lines,
dance floors,
railroad cars,
waterfalls,
and hot tubs.

The night peaceful
Though punctuated by fire.

New Template Thoughts

2007-04-26T07:00:00.000-07:00

In case you didn't notice, :), the three column template is up! My time for blogging is limited these days so it took me forever to convert to it. I hope everyone likes it.

In the process of creating the lists of links to your left, I read through all 147 posts on this blog. That was an interesting experience. Last fall was a time of serious emotional turmoil for me and a lot of my best posts (at least those I like best) were written then. But there are also a number of more recent posts that I'm also fond of. If there is anything not on the "Best Of" list that you think should be there (or something on the list that you think sucks) then let me know.

A number of people who work for me have commented that I came back from the Christmas break ready to take charge of running my department. I think there's something to that and I know that my wife and I worked out issues over the holidays. There are certainly fewer posts per week in 2007 vs. 2006. Don't worry though, there are still about a zillion thoughts in my head that need to find their way to paper if I can just steal a little time...

Finally, I know that different browsers are different so please let me know if anything looks funny. The one mystery I noticed is that when you click through to an individual post (for example by clicking one of the "Stories" links), then the "Best Of" links disappear. I have no clue why. If you notice any other anomalies please let me know.

Thanks for reading.

Pick A Game. Any Game.

2007-04-24T14:29:00.000-07:00

Forget for a moment the geopolitical implications of Judea-Christian sexual morality. Forget the unknown vagaries of the long term impacts of open sexuality on a committed relationship.

Ignore the question of how to ensure your or my ongoing lightening connection to our respective sexualities. Don't worry about where we are headed in our strategic sexual explorations, or the continuing, debatable, opening of our sexual morays.

Let's fuck'in have some fun. You have a body to die for and a closet of clothes to show it off. I have a kinky mind. You have an attitude that magnetically attracts every man or woman in the room. We are young, we have time, we have money (well OK, not much of either, but enough to have some fun). And we have, with a lot of work, thrown off a host of inhibitions and limitations.

Let's have fun with it.

Where do you want to go? What do you want to do? The world is at our doorstep. Nothing is off limits.

Pick a game. Any game. As blatantly sexual, or as romantic, as you want.

Let's play.

What You Wish For - An Adult Jack Tale

2007-04-16T22:11:00.000-07:00

["Jack and the Beanstalk" is just one of a family of 'Jack Tales' that have been told around camp fires in the Appalachian Mountains of the US for hundreds of years (you can listen to some here). This Jack Tale, however, is best told to consenting adults after the children are abed.]

One summer day Jack and his young wife Gloria were at the beach. The sun was high and the tropical wind felt sultry. Gloria lay on a rose blanket, looking irresistible in a white thong and thin bikini top. Jack walked slowing along in the surf feeling the sand run through his toes. Suddenly he saw something unusual tumbling in the foam. He reached into the surf and, to his great surprise, pulled up an intricately-shaped antique lamp. He rubbed the side until the tarnish from the sea water began to rub off and he could see the glow of the bronze.

Jack was intrigued. The pattern etched on the lamp seemed to show a tableau that could best be described as a stylized orgy. He continued to rub at the tarnish trying to get a better view. Suddenly a genie emerged from the lamp. He towering over Jack. His torso was cross-crossed by a series of intricate tattoos that echoed the orgy theme on the bottle. Jack made out a number of couples who seemed to writhe, and even make love, as the genie's ripped mussels flexed. On the genie's arm was a dragon tattoo that Jack could swear hissed at him. The genie was wearing only a thin pair of pants and Jack worked hard not to stare at the huge cock that was visible in outline under them.

The genie said in a deep but somewhat amused voice:

"Stranger, I thank you for freeing me from my prison. In return I will grant you three wishes."

Now Jack was a stout and solid young man, but he didn't always think before he spoke.

"Well the first thing I'd like is a Lamborghini." he said. Now this may seem a silly thing to wish for, but, I wonder how well you would do if a genie with a two foot cock suddenly materialized in front of you.

"Done," said the genie. Looking even more amused.

At about that point Jack realized that he could do better with his wishes.

"And I'd like a 10 acre spread by the slopes in Aspen" he said "with a house big enough to hold my entire family."

"Done," said the genie.

Jack finally slowed his reactions enough to think about his third wish - after all it was the last he was likely to ever have. He looked down the beach and saw Gloria's long tanned legs stretching up to the amazing round shape of her ass framed by the thong. She had undone her bikini top and her tan flowed uninterrupted from the small of her back up to the tangles of her blond hair.

He felt his cock stir at just the sight of her and his third wish was clear to him.

"I would like for Gloria and I to be madly and passionately in love and in lust from now until the day we die." he said.

"Done," said the genie, sounding vastly amused. And he was gone in a puff of red smoke.

As Jack started down the beach his cell phone rang.

"Jack, Jack, you won't believe it!"

"Nelson, what's up? I'm on the beach with Gloria."

"Jack, you won't believe it! I just finished a meeting with Incredible Business Machines. The offered to buy us out for $10M!"

"$10M! You must be kidding."

"No, Jack. I'm very serious. They are faxing over the offer documents now."

Jack caught his breath. He and Nelson were equal partners so the offer would be worth millions to him. It occurred to him that the buyout would give him enough money to buy a Lamborghini and the place in Aspen. He looked at the lamp and suddenly he understood.

He finished up with Nelson and agreed to review the documents later that afternoon.

He walked back over to Gloria. She was now sitting up smiling at him. And she was totally, beautifully, shamelessly topless.

He was in lust. He was in love. And he noticed a number of other men on the beach who couldn't take their eyes off her either. He sat down close and kissed her hard on the lips. She returned the kiss enthusiastically and it quickly became a French Kiss. He let his hands wander over her exposed, and beautiful, breasts. She didn't seem to care about the other people on the beach - and some of the men were not shy about watching the two of them.

Jack and Gloria walked up their room. He held her hand -- he didn't put his arm around her because he wanted to leave her breasts exposed. He wondered at her exhibitionism but he loved it.

They left the curtains opened and made love all afternoon. They loved it like never before. Jack felt like he would not get enough if they made love every day for decades. Once again he silently thanked the genie.

Later in the afternoon, Jack left Gloria drowsy and naked on the bed, and walked to the hotel office to read over the acquisition documents. They were in order but they were 30 pages long so it took him some time. He found several minor items that needed attention, but overall he was in a great mood when he headed back to the room.

And found Gloria in the arms of another man. Both were naked and they were sufficiently engaged that they did not notice Jack at all. Somewhere in the back of his mind Jack recognized the man as one of the onlookers from the beach.

In a rage he went to the kitchenette and found a large knife. He grasped it and headed for the bed. Suddenly the world froze and he saw the genie in front of him.

"Jack, I can't fulfill your wishes if you get yourself thrown into the slammer."

"Genie, GET THE HELL OUT OF THE WAY! She's about to fucking fuck him!"

"Jack, slow down, take a deep breath. Your wish was that you and Gloria were in love and in lust for the rest of your lives."

"Yea, but I ..."

"Jack, there are only two ways I could make that wish come true. First, I could cause you both to die young. Many Genie's would have taken that option, but I like you Jack and I couldn't do that to you.

Now Jack, I've studied the human race for more than 2000 years. There is only one kind of couple who are in love and in lust for their entire lives."

"Who?"

"Swingers Jack. Couples with open sexual relationships. Believe me, your race cannot maintain a totally monogamous sexually lustful relationship for decades. Few can do it for more than five or six years."

"Swingers?"

"Yes Swingers Jack. Making you honestly and openly sexual is the only way I could keep you and Gloria in love and lust."

Jack looked dubious but the Genie continued:

"Now Jack, I really do like you. I'm going to unfreeze Gloria and her man-of-the-moment. I want you to watch. Just watch for two minutes. She is so incredibly alive sexually Jack. So desirable. If your cock does not get hard then I'll let you take back your third wish."

Jack nodded mutely. Time unfroze and he watched. Gloria took the man's tongue deep in her mouth. His hands caressed her breasts and then he pinched her nipple. She let out a provocative moan, and moved her leg slowly against his bare cock.

Despite his best intentions Jack felt his cock stir and then become erect.

"Jack, see, you were meant to be a swinger."

Jack continued to watch, more and more mesmerized, as his Gloria hungrily licked and bit the man's nipples, and then took his cock in her hand. He could not help himself - he loved it and his erection became painful.

"Now Jack, put down that knife and go join them. Or, if you prefer, I could help you with that," and he pointed at Jack's erection.

"Genie, you are a pervert. I think you planned this all along. Well you win, I'm hooked. Now get the hell out of here or I'll put a dent in your lamp that even a Genie will find hard to stomach."

The Genie turned back into a cloud of red smoke, but as he transformed, the dragon tattoo on his arm slithered off and landed on the small of Gloria's back - settling in and looking like it had been there forever.

Gloria looked lovingly at Jack as he joined the two on the bed. He settled in behind her and kissed the back of her neck as the man's cock entered her.

A suspicious cloud of red smoke with two eyes hovered in the corner. But the three coupling on the bed were far too preoccupied to notice.

Doing It HNT

2007-04-11T23:13:00.000-07:00

Following up on last week's pic, she asked me for an HNT of my hands 'doing it'. You think this is what she had in mind?

Tie Me Up Will You?

2007-04-09T07:51:00.000-07:00

Tie me up. Play with my body. Do what you will with me.

But when you turn your back you'll feel my breath on the nape of your neck.

Bonds slip. Ties don't hold. I spank harder than you. And longer. When I pin you down you will not rise until I say.

So tie me up. Tie me down. Run your nails down my back. Put your teeth on my breasts.

As long as I'm in ecstacy the ties might stay. Or appear to. For a time love.

But just when you cum you will feel my arms around you. Your hands pinned over your head. My teeth at your neck.

And you will be mine forever.

Picture taken from here.

Hobby Explosion

2007-04-05T14:50:00.001-07:00

[This was originally going to be part of the previous post on Five Things You Don't Know About Me, but I decided it had grown to need it's own post.]

I got a short attention plan
Can't sit around couch potato land
I wanna do all kinds of stuff
Talking about it's not enough
I wanna go to the extreme
I wanna stretch my limousine
I wanna take it way off road
Go where I'm not supposed to go

I have a problem with picking up a hobby, doing it for awhile, and then dropping it in favor of a new one. At one point or another in my life I have spent real time and money on:

Rock climbing (last few years)
Photography (life long)
Scuba diving (during graduate school)
Model railroad building (as a kid only)
Gardening (for a few years after we bought our first house)
Tropical fish keeping and raising (mostly as a kid and now we keep fish for the kids)
Sailing (life long but not much recently)
Astronomy and astro-photography (off and on but less recently since it can only be done at night and interferes with sex)
Piano playing (last few years)
Running triathlons (not in a few years since I dropped it in favor of rock climbing)
Wood working (off and on for last decade but less recently)
Blogging (more last year than this as you can see from my rate of posting)
Sex (since puberty but growing as an interest over time)

I'm not sure what to do about this list. It seems long but then life is short and there are just so many interesting things to do. But I do think I should have more discipline to do fewer hobbies and do them better.

Maybe I can do that with my next hobby.

If you're gonna jump, then jump far, fly like a sky diver
If you're gonna be a singer, then u better be a rockstar
If you're gonna be a driver, then u better drive a race car
Cause I'm looking for a guard dog, not buying a chihuahua

Lyrics from If You're Gonna Jump by Natasha Bedingfield

Five Things You Don't Know About Me

2007-04-05T14:14:00.000-07:00

I was tagged by Ms. Z to write Five Things You Don't Know About Me.

Now there are some people who read this blog who know me pretty well so I'm not sure I can guarantee that to everyone, but for most people here goes:

1. I wear my wedding ring on my right hand (OK you could deduce that from my HNT yesterday but I bet you didn't). This is because I once broke a tendon in my left hand and my ring finger on that hand won't straighten completely.

2. I wear glasses at the computer only. I have a slight astigmatism which seems to balance out both for reading distances and for longer distances. The only place I seem to need the glasses is for the 2-3 feet I sit away from the computer screen.

3. Since finishing my degree I've lived on the east coast, the west coast (twice), and in Texas. That's a lot of miles on the moving trucks. Fortunately I have always moved to take a new job so I've never actually paid for a move (and I've made money on every house I've sold). Nevertheless, I have come to the conclusion that moving sucks.

4. I met my wife at the sailing club at the University of Texas. However, it turns out that she gets motion sick if I take her sailing on the ocean. I didn't find that out until fairly far into our relationship because, well, it's pretty far from Austin to an ocean.

5. I have a reasonably nice telescope (a Takahashi refractor for anyone who knows about such things) and an attachment (technically a CCD) for taking pictures with it. This something I bought back in the late 1990's when those of us in the computer field used to get real quarterly bonuses. Some day when the skies are clear, the moon is not too bright, and I'm not otherwise engaged (in sex) I'll try to take some pictures with it and post them.

In Good Hands HNT

2007-04-04T22:19:00.000-07:00

This one is for a friend who told me where she wants to imagine my hands, and for another friend who said that one should never turn down that kind of request...

Late HNT

2007-03-29T09:09:00.000-07:00

Too much travel this week. Four business meetings in four states in two days. And the wireless in Logan airport is so useless. This is not good for blogging ...

So I'm turning my back on the whole work thing this morning. Anyone want to come play with me?

On The Beach (Part Two)

2007-03-20T23:20:00.000-07:00

[Part one of this story may be found here.]

The lace curtains blow in the slight ocean breeze coming through the open French doors. Purple walls -- something I should have expected, but didn't. Sconces set at intervals around the room. The candles tall in the sconces, but surrounded by drips and sculptures of wax. My mind wonders idly what was going on in this room while those other candles burned -- several other candles by the look of it, red, black, light blue, white, and other colors too intertwined to guess.

I push through the curtains and stand on the porch. The ocean is several blocks away but I can make out the sound of the waves above the light traffic. We're up over the street and I can see the first lights of early evening coming on below the light blue sky.

I hear her come through the curtains behind me.

"Sunsets from here must be fab...," I start to say. Then I notice that she is topless and is carrying two glasses of dark red wine. Dumbly I take my glass.

Her breasts are large and the nipples beautiful. They look aroused but I don't know if that's the case or if they always have such and amazing shape. She cames onto the porch completely at ease with being out in the open and on display.

I wondered if we will cause traffic accidents.

Only one way to find out.

"To us tonight," I say toasting my glass against hers.

"To tonight" she replies, and looking mischievous continues, "May it exceed your fantasies."

Looking in her eyes I set my wine down carefully. Then I set her glass down carefully. Slowly I take her face between my hands, and gave her a long deep kiss. As the kiss progressed I explore her breasts with my fingers. Massaging their entirety, then pinching just the nipples. They grow harder in my hands and a moan escapes her lips.

I push her back against the railing and kiss her harder. Our tongues deeply intertwined. Our mouths open -- trying to go deeper. Pushing against each other.

Suddenly I drop to my knees and take her right breast in my mouth. I suck it hard biting the nipple just up to the point of pain. Her hips move forward to me of their own will. She is barely holding onto the railing to keep from falling to the side.

I want more. I move my left hand up to her other breast and pinch again the nipple. My right hand moves to her tight blue jean shorts. I intend to tease her and then unbutton and unzip the shorts. But as soon as my fingers brush against her clit through the fabric she comes suddenly and violently. I realize that she had been holding it in -- willing herself to take the sweet torture for as long as she could stand it.

I hold her body to me as she comes. Feeling the shocks rock her. Watching the emotions roll across her face. Finally I see her slow down and I stand to catch her against me.

"Oh god," she says, "You're staying all night."

Image adapted from here.

Provacative Angel

2007-03-16T13:19:00.000-07:00

Last night I was playing the Sarah McLachlan song "Angel" on the piano. It was late and I thought it would be a good mellow song to play before going to bed. At first glance it looks like any number of other pretty-but-sappy songs. But then I looked at the words more closely:

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There’s always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it’s hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there

So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There’s vultures and thieves at your back
And the storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lie
That you make up for all that you lack
It don’t make no difference
Escaping one last time
It’s easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

Escape one last time? Easier to believe in the sweet madness? I began to wonder if the arms of the angels were chemically induced.

Or maybe not. We spend so much time pushing ourselves. So much time trying to 'be all you can be'. At the end of the day it is easy to feel that you are not good enough. That you need a lie to make up for all that you lack. Easy to fear the endlessness of days.

Is that what the angels give? The feeling that you are empty and weightless. The glorious sadness that you are good enough.

Put simply, the ability to quit for a time. To stop trying and find peace. Even in a dark cold hotel room...

Confessing in Sugasm

2007-03-16T09:51:00.000-07:00

Thanks to the folks at Sugasm for putting my "Confession" post in this week. Check out the rest of the links below.

This Week’s Picks

You’re So Dirty When You’re Clean. ( http://middleurge.blogspot.com)

"The side of your hand slipping along her pussy lips. Her laugh, a mix of I-knew-it and do-that-more.”

Before ( http://thismuse.blogspot.com)

“Condoms and lube go into the bedside drawer next to the Bible. Purse into the drawer with clothes, whore-bag into the closet with my street shoes.”

Rude Bits: Tracy Quan on the Raunch Debate (http://susiebright.blogs.com)
“If someone is making money off your body, you should too.”

Mr. Sugasm Himself

Sex Mad(ness) (http://sugarbank.com)

Editor’s Choice

The art of pegs (some artistic CBT) ( http://mistress160.blogspot.com)

More Sugasm

Join the Sugasm

NSFW Pics (& videos)

Heart Panties HNT ( http://stilettodiaries.blogspot.com)

Hillary scott episode 4 ( http://boobfixxx.com)

Just Teen Site’s Latest Nude Photo and Video (http://www.taratainton.com )

Light’s Out! ( http://buttocksblog.blogspot.com)

Veronika Zemanova Nude ( http://eroticandy.blogspot.com)

Sexual Poetry

Free verse smut ( http://kislee.naughtyblog.net)

Keys ( http://curious-grl.blogspot.com)

Poem: “International Women’s Day” ( http://porno-poet.livejournal.com)

Thoughts on Sex and Relationships

Confessors and Confessions ( http://aslipofagirl.blogspot.com)

Fuck Me, Daddy and Other Lessons (Part Two) ( http://www.sex-kitten.net)

A Fuck Superlative: Coming Together (http://brooklynrake.blogspot.com)

Hello, it’s Me, Again! ( http://totalsensuality.blogspot.com)

Once a Junkie… ( http://onlyamirage.blogspot.com)

Release ( http://sarawinters.blogspot.com)

Well, at least I have some good sexy thoughts anyways… (http://ladycalliah.wordpress.com )

Why I don’t do Myspace ( http://www.longhairedgoddess.com/blog )

Sex and Politics

GOPorn: Smut and the American Conservative ( http://mikeymongol.blogspot.com)

The Plot Thickens ( http://radicalvixen.com/blog)

Teacher Fired over Porn Pop Ups ( http://deliciously-naughty.typepad.com)

BDSM & Fetish

A Confession ( http://lestatsdragons.blogspot.com)

Fake Spanking Filmmakers ( http://adelehaze.com)

Fetish ( http://lonelyhouse.wordpress.com)

Happy HNT - Nipple clamp torture ( http://darkside-journey.blogspot.com)

The Ideal Fantasy School ( http://www.spankingwriters.com/blog)

Instant Replay ( http://pandorablake.blogspot.com)

Isabella’s Eyes - Part XV ( http://nyc-urban-gypsy.blogspot.com)

Sharing ( http://drtycplinva.blogspot.com)

Y is for yes please ( http://redvelvetropeburn.com)

Erotic Writing and Experiences

5 Questions - A house in the country - Part One ( http://gentlygently.blogspot.com )

Afternoon Delight (part 2) ( http://perverselypoly.blogspot.com)

A Fish Story ( http://blog.myspace.com/tit_elation)

Just one hour to fuck ( http://lastbreath.wordpress.com)

A Little Anal ( http://ilichenyou.blogspot.com)

The long tease (http://marriageishot.blogspot.com)

Love Runs Hot ( http://dopaminedreamsoverflow.blogspot.com)

Message Received ( http://bikersballsandteacherstits.blogspot.com)

My girlfriend the stripper, part 6 ( http://erotischism.blogspot.com)

Snowbound ( http://joeheather.blogspot.com)

A Soft Romance ( http://eroticjournals.blogspot.com)

Vanilla spicy

Visual Quiz

2007-03-14T15:10:00.000-07:00

This is an interesting quiz. Not sure it pegged me as well as some of my friends who posted today (like devil and brandy) but here are the results:

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

Hot Tea - Part Two (Conclusion)

2007-03-14T08:37:00.000-07:00

[You can find part one here.]

I came back with a towel,
Placed it under her ass.

“Now we need some tea,”
Took it in my mouth,
And played hot spiked tea,
On her breasts,
And her clit,
All over her clit.

Put my tongue and fingers deep inside her,
“More” she said,
Almost a moan,
“More!”

“I still have some tea left,” I said smiling,
Gave her more as she came.

She looked happy,
Glowing.

I just wanted to look at her,
But after awhile she said,
“Lay down. It’s your turn.”

I lay back and enjoyed the hot tea,
On my cock,
And breasts.

She was playing with me,
She got on top,
Teasing me,
Playing more.

Drinking her tea,
while I was inside her.

“Now what was that position?”
she asked almost nonchalantly,
She leaned back,
Riding,
Touching her clit as she looked at me.

“No more” she said,
As she upended the tea cup over my stomach,
A few drops fell,
Hot drops.

But she cleaned them up with her tongue,
Still keeping me inside.

Until the world exploded.

Photo from Wicked Weasel.

Hot Tea - Part One

2007-03-10T22:02:00.000-08:00

It begins with a fire,
But that is only the beginning.

She came in,
As instructed,
Wearing nothing but red nipple rings,
Lay on the bed face down,
Eyes closed,
Skin golden in the candle light.

I had warm lotion ready,
And started with her toes,
Working through each,
Then the balls of her feet,
Slowly up the ankles,
Calves, ... thighs ...

Adding more lotion,
Working slowly up to massage her ass.

Her eyes were mostly closed,
But at some point she noticed something,
Over by the stove,
“What’s that?” she asked,
“Oh that,” I answered,
“We’ll get to that shortly.”

“Tea?” she asked at length,
“Yes, tea” I answered,
“With a little something extra,”
Pulling out the Peppermint Schnapps,
“Oh!”

I could see her glowing,
Expecting,
Feeling the heat already.

I poured,
She watched.

“Turn over” I said,
She complied,
“This needs to cool”,
Setting the tea on the bedside.

“But I have something else for you”,
“A shot of Peppermint”,
And watched her breasts,
As she drank it.

More massage oil,
Edible,
Starting with her breasts,
Her eyes closed,
I worked lower,
Teasing her clit.

“One moment,” I said,
“You lay still and dream.”

And disappeared upstairs to fetch one more item...

A Confession

2007-03-07T10:36:00.000-08:00

My name is Lestat and I'm kinky.

I like my wife to wear transparent shirts with no bra. I get hard thinking about her unbuttoning her shirt when men are looking at her - unbuttoning it all the way and opening it. And walking into a store. I love it when she sends me a message telling me she has her shirt off while driving and is playing with her breasts. In a traffic jam. And latter tells me the reactions she gets from the men in the next car.

I like her to wear short skirts with no thong. To sit improperly. And tease other men with the view. To put her finger in her clit and then lick it. To smile at the guy watching every move. And then to give him a taste.

I like to watch her kiss other men. French kiss deeply while pressed between the two of us.

I like to hear stories about her fucking other men.

There are no limits to how wild I want her. I like daring her to go beyond anything she has ever done and finding out what she will do. The sexier she acts the more it turns me on.

I can't help myself. I like it a fuck'in lot. I cannot write this post without getting hard and can barely keep from cuming ....

So sue me.

I don't understand all my desires. I don't know if all my fantasies are good or healthy. But I know what they are and I know they turn me on.

And I know that the heart of it all -- the reason for the attraction -- is that I know she's mine. I know we will be together until the end of time. That it's all a kinky game. That when we make love it's so completely different from any game or fantasy that it's not the same act. That we love each other in a way that can never be touched.

That's what makes it all possible.

Art adapted from here.

On The Beach (Part One)

2007-03-06T07:00:00.000-08:00

I was sitting on a green wooden bench beside the beach path. At least it had once been green. Now the paint was worn well into the wood, but the bench had the pleasant smooth lived-in texture that develops from wind and salt under a near-tropical sun.

I was enjoying the warmth of early spring in the south. So much warmer than where I had come from. Just being able to sit in the sun in shorts was great. It was late morning but it was a week day and the beach was not crowded.

I had seen pictures of you, but was still unprepared for the physical sexual impact of your presence. I recognized you immediately. Even your walk was just as I expected -- deeply sexual like a slow serpentine tree-lined river on a spring day. As promised you were wearing tight blue jean shorts and thin close-fitting tee shirt. The shorts alone were to die for. Tight across your ass and so short that they barely covered it. The tee failed to conceal the pushed-out shape of your nipples or the beautiful round of your breasts.

I stammered out some words and we embraced. We came close and I could already feel your shorts pushed up hard against my cock. I kept my hands from tracing the shape of your thighs -- barely.

We walked down the beach chatting of this and that. As always I was amazed at how easy I found it just to talk to you. Still, the sexual tension was palatable.

Finally we reached a point where you were standing on a small rise in the sand and we were the same height. I turned to kiss you and you responded hungrily. Our tongues exploring. Our hands exploring.

Somehow we landed in the sand -- fortunately without either of us receiving major bruises. I was on top of you kissing more deeply. My hand under your shirt playing with your right nipple.

I wanted you there, on the beach. Bad. Your hands slipped inside my pants and started playing with my cock. I regretted not asking you to wear a mini-skirt so we could play anywhere, but I knew we had plenty of time. The torture of wanting you was sweet and I could tell from your kiss that we would be playing.

All afternoon and night.

Finally we sat up. Facing the water, my hand lifting up your shirt to play with your nipples. Together we watched the waves and enjoyed the soft ocean breeze. You looked around to make sure no one close by was likely to call the cops and then slipped off your shirt. Then you leaned against me so that my arms covered your breasts.

I dug my teeth into the back of your neck and pinched your nipples. Hard for you and even more impatient (if that was possible).

Suddenly you pulled away and put your shirt back on.

"What's up?" I asked, thinking you had seen someone looking too askance.

You looked almost embarrassed but at the same time your eyes sparkled. "I want you now. My apartment is not far."

Who was I to argue with an invitation like that?

There Are Times

2007-03-03T08:30:00.000-08:00

'Course there are other times ...

Image credits: here and here.

HNT For a Friend

2007-02-28T22:31:00.000-08:00

A complaint last week that I had not HNT, so here you go. For next time I'll try to think of a more creative pose .... any ideas?

If I Came To You

2007-02-28T07:38:00.000-08:00

If I came to you would you
play all night,
open to anything,
or nothing at all?

Would you want it urgent
right now,
or languid,
remembering every detail
or nothing at all?

Would you wear red
like the picture,
shear black,
or nothing at all?

And would you tell your lover
every detail,
or nothing at all?

Quiet Place

2007-02-26T09:27:00.000-08:00

It's rainy and dark this morning and I'm feeling like hiding out and thinking. Can't really do it. It's Monday and work calls, but a part of my mind is looking for a quiet place.

It's hard to find stillness. Even a corn field in Iowa is not as quiet up close as it looks from a distance. Much more so the world of Silicone Valley. Superficially it's email, phone mail, phone messages, instant messages, work, kids, work, the house. But the noise that matters is in my own head. Song lyrics, my own plans, hopes, dreams, fears, todo lists, problems I'm trying to work out, questions that won't leave, voices in my head.

The infinite, self-imposed demand to re-invent myself. The imperative to do better this year than last -- though last year I did my best. The problems I have never been able to solve, but I still feel that somewhere the solution is obvious if I just look at the problem in the right way...

But somewhere there is still a quiet place. The rain helps. Monday helps - in it's own way. The border between the noise of the weekend and the noise of the work week is itself a little bit of in-between quiet.

So I sit quietly in the rain. Thinking that this time I'll do it a little better, a little smarter, a little braver, a little more creatively, a little more in touch with the life force inside me. Somehow.

Archaeology of the Soul

2007-02-23T16:43:00.000-08:00

Pretend for a moment that you're an archaeologist digging through the levels of my soul...

At the top level I am a manager at work and a father at home. A great surprise to me over the last five years has been the discovery that I can understand people. I can listen and know them. I can see the fault lines in their souls -- can see what will make them fulfilled and what will frustrate and boor them. My instincts on interviews are usually right. I can almost always tell who will thrive in what position and who will work well with who. Friends and family I can usually understand as well (my wife can be a challenge but that's part of why I love her :) ).

But "me as manager" is a recent development. Just below the top level is "me as scientist". One of the biggest surprises of my life was the discovery in late high school, and into college and graduate school, that for no good reason, I'm really smart. It's not something I really worked for -- it's just genetic. I went to a very good private high school and I still remember the guidance councilor my senior year congratulating me on being first in the class. I spent the next week walking around saying "wow, I did better than him...". College and graduate school always went well for me as well (at least academically).

You might ask why doing well in school was such a surprise. To answer that you have to go down to the next level. That next level is just a fucking mess. It's the home of deep-seated insecurities about whether I'll ever be good at anything, whether I'm attractive to members of the opposite sex, whether I'll succeed at any task, etc. Sometimes I feel like everything I've acomplished has been a largely futile attempt to silence these self-doublts.

Where the doubts come from is a mystery to me. Maybe it's because my parents were always demanding and critical. Maybe it's because I was always too tall to be coordinated and was incompetent as a teen at every possible sport. Maybe it's because I was always shy and didn't connect well with people, especially woman, for my teens and into early twenties. (Read this paragraph as in the Grinch "... maybe his shoes were too tight, maybe his head wasn't screwed on just right, but I think the most likely reason of all ...").

Finally, at the bottom, the foundation of it all, I know that I'm loved and worthy of love just because I am. This is the level that keeps me out of jail. This is the level that makes me believe that I'm a good person and will ultimately do good. As with an ancient city, this level was probably laid down first. Maybe it's owed to good parenting at a very early age. Certainly I know that my Mom focused most of 20 years of her life on raising my sister and me.

So those are the levels: people skills, over technical skills, over insecurity, over an unconditional sense of self worth. It could be worse, but, then again, it could be better. It's that insecurity layer that gets me, of course. When something goes just a little wrong the ground shifts and the layers above have earthquakes. I keep trying to squeeze out the insecurity layer from above and below. Maybe some day it will shrink down to almost nothing or, at least, I'll some day wake up and remember where it comes from....

Scattered Images

2007-02-21T12:16:00.000-08:00

A black dress with a silver clasp. Soft kisses. French accent. Stealing me away on the dance floor. Late in the evening silver undone. Looking for her in red.

A white top. Woman in a trance of touching from the front and the back. Hands under the top finding her breasts. Hands under her skirt sharing her clit.

A man giving out cards. Watching her unbutton his shirt and kiss his breast.

Cheek to her cheek, her in her lover's arms but her arms around me. Kissing her as she laid against his shoulder.

Woman in a black thong and demi-bra. Dancing against my back. Never saw her face.

Her in a car in his lap. Shirt transparent. Mini-skirt hiding nothing -- merely guiding his fingers where she wants them to go.

Images that swirl in my mind. Superimpose over my associates as we reorganize management structures and map sales strategies.

Picture adapted from here